progress.....

...except the fact that ive had a bronchial infection or some shit i am surely becoming healthier mentally. i don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore and the more i think about it, the act of it seemed ridiculous. not that it didn't seem ridiculous at the time but now it just seems counterproductive and not something that would make me feel better anymore. and i can actually think of things that would make me feel better without being destructive.(i wont lie though i still have a few destructive tricks up my sleeve but i dont feel like they are what will help me any more -wow i never thought i would say that! :)) this is definitely new for me. i cant say ill never feel that way again (i never say never cause that just ensures that it will happen again but im hoping for the best.)
as for my ended relationship im starting to get use to being on my own. i still care for him deeply and love him as my family, after all we shared almost a whole life together. a decade is a long time. but i know that its time to take care of myself and thats not selfish, thats smart. its not even that i dont think he didnt want to take care of me he just didnt know how. we both didnt know how to maintain a healthy relationship. i cant exchange comfort for being IN love and i cant exchange friend/caring love for someone for being IN love either. more importantly i cant love anyone else if im not loving myself. and i sure as shit cant help anyone if im not helping myself. now that im getting over this illness i think ill start back on the exercising that i had slowly started with before i came down with this "swine flu simulator ebola 8.65" LOL! i want to look my best cause i AM beautiful but i could be more beautiful if lost some of this extra weight, i dont need it and its stopping me from being the woman that i want to be. ive lost some weight but i want to make a commitment to it. i can say that with confidence knowing that this is something that i want to commit to cause it will help me be a better person. and it will help me be healthier and thats most important this is the only life i have that i know of and i need to start cherishing it. it can be gone in an instant and theres so much i want to do. i dont want it to end cause i was to lazy to maintain a healthy diet and exercise a few times a week. thats truly a waste and i see that now.
anyway, im feeling more comfortable letting others see the "real "me (whatever that is)some things i know for sure: i know what i like as far as people and who i choose to surround myself with and i know im funny and caring and have the heart the size of Kansas that i wear directly on my sleeve. i know that i dont speak up to spare others feelings and must stop that. i have to protect my feelings too. right now im not so embarrassed about what i have to offer and i realize that it is a lot.and that i am a lot. i have a lot to say and sometimes dont shut up when i should but i also have some great things to say that are meaningful and relevant. i have so many thoughts and ideas that i could use to improve my life and i am smart and clever and i have a lot that i need to start offering myself. ive been shorting myself so many good things that can make my life so much more successful and special in so many ways and again as far as i know this is the only one i got i HAVE TO STOP WASTING IT! and if i do find a special someone then they would be so lucky to have me. i love to love and when im ready to give my heart out again i will do with confidence knowing what i have to offer and have no need to hold back cause im embarrassed something i dont like will come out. whoever i choose to love will love me for me the way i am. if someone wants to love me they have to love all of me. and i would do the same i would take care of that persons heart the same as i would with my own and right now my intention is to never neglect my heart and soul again. for far to long i have suffered at my own hand and now with my own hands i am going to change it. i dont know how long this confidence will last cause ive never had it before(i hope its not fleeting but i believe that it isnt) but i am going to do my best to remind myself that I AM important and loved and that i have so many things to offer the people i love and this world. im sure ill have good days and bad but ive had some good days and i loved them and i want to have more of them until they turn into a good life. i feel hope and its been well never since ive had that feeling truly in my heart. i believe if i stick to a game plan of reminding me to love myself and see the things i am good for instead of the shitty things i tend to focus on the good days will start to outweigh the bad. i know that any of my friends that are reading this are saying "DUH told you so" but i had to come to it on my own. time really does help heal wounds....oh as for the battle scars. i hate that i have constant reminders that i dropped my proverbial basket but ill just have to find a way to make it positive so its not a constant reminder that i had/have a strong ability to go fucking insane. right now im feeling mostly healthy mentally and somewhat healthy physically except this bronchial infection thats slowly going away but hey things will never be perfect. some lessons i am drilling into my head are things will never be perfect and change is inevitable so theres no need for it to wreck me everytime something major changes just cause im scared of the unknown. right now i just want to be the best i can be. really thats all i should have to be. those who love me have to take me for what i am and if you cant then you simply cant love me for me and i dont need anyone like that. i dont need to change the good stuff that i like about me for anyone. if you did want me to change i probably couldnt love you anyway and if thats the case FUCK YOU RIGHT IN UR BLOWHOLE HAHAHA obviously im tired cause that was just silly. well just wanted to give a positive update for anyone that reads this and vent for myself that i am doing better. its just feels good to get it out. I AM HEALING!!! good for me....

so many questions????

...why was i the one chosen? what made me so "special"? was it cause i was annoying or ugly? or just not what he wanted me to be? i definitely tried to be, i definitely wanted to be. why did i want that and why was it so important to me to be with him that i sacrificed so much? i want it back, all of it. everything i let go for nothing. i didn't even learn anything from it (except how to make excuses for allowing myself to be treated that way)and now years later am i still paying for my ignorance still paying for my shallow wants? i cant even look myself in the mirror. i feel bad for everything and i cant or wont even allow myself to shine cause i hurt so much sometimes i feel like its eating me alive. when is this ever going to end?
these questions are endless...and until they are answered i feel incomplete. like everythings just one big unanswered question weighing so heavy over me i feel as if I'm being crushed. and i cant say that i wouldnt allow this into my life again. i feel like i would welcome it in some self deprecating unconscious way. maybe i think this is only way people show love...to throw it at you and make you suffer for it. i certainly dont understand how to receive love in the way that most do. i seem to fight hand over fist to NOT be loved. im always fighting any help im offered. why its not "helping" and why im still hurting. i just dont understand why anyone would want to care for me this way and i certainly dont deserve any of it. i brought all this pain on myself. save the good, kind love for someone who can appreciate it is what im always thinking. it would just be a waste on me. all i know is that until i can answer a few of these questions i wont be able to continue like a normal person. some of this pain has to be pushed out or at least away before i can move one more step.

mental masturbation of sorts....

i feel numb....i guess this is the part of the breakup where i am suppose to feel this way. not really sure though everyone has their particular advice, which i dont follow and then complain that no one has anything constructive to say. actually im not sure how i feel...is YUCKY a feeling???? life is so uncertain and i was hoping that uncertainty would bring a welcome surprise but turns out, i dont like surprises. i like to know how things are going to happen and when. i know this is impossible in life but this amount of uncertainty is unsettling. makes me feel like a failure for being so unprepared for that inevitable thing which is change. ive never really enjoyed change or handled it very well but never quite this piss poor. i even feel my body changing. i feel like my central nervous system is on high alert like code red type shit!
there are things i am certain of: i like my independence and am not happy without it, i like the company of people i trust (maybe to much), being alone isnt good for me, i refuse to eat out or see a movie alone(i mean arent those social things to do anyway) i love television and the distraction it provides, amd being single has so many advantages but nothing to me can equal the feeling of true love and really theres more but i think thats the important stuff.
on another note i was reading my horoscope and it said somethings that i think are true, even though i try not to give into all that crap. it said that anyone that EARNS my heart is lucky cause im a giver. well that is true i am starting to see what i have to offer instead of all the things that make me feel a burden to anyone who chooses to love me or care to be in my life. there are plenty of physical things that i wont talk about it in such a social setting lets just say im a giver in many ways. but other than that if i care for you realize that i would do anything to ensure that you are happy. i enjoy this yeah im stubborn and sometimes dont take great care of myself but its more important to for me to see someone else happy even for a moment and even at the expense of my own happiness or wants. and this isnt a martyr myself type thing. i truly enjoy the ability to give others joy. i want those who know i am the person that they can call anytime for anything they need and not have to worry about me treating them as an inconvenience or burden. and i cant truly expect this of anyone else towards me but i realize that this need i have to give i have been giving out too freely. i havent been taking into consideration how quickly i can be taken advantage of and how bad that hurts as well as how personally i take it even if it wasnt personal at all.
so whats the conclusion to all this i guess we could say mental masturbation....that i know myself a little more after putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain, and that i have to not give everything i have to anyone just cause it feels good. maybe reserving myself and what i have to offer will bring me more joy than spreading myself thin to so many that dont deserve it or havent earned it. its hard to tell who should be on the receiving end of these things but i have a feeling ill know when i know and hope that intuition and common sense will prevail in most cases. cant say my track record is all that good but a positive attitude can count for a lot...I HOPE!

Memories, i took a look back and found....

...i have so many great memories that i couldnt begin to count them or imagine asking for more. looking through old photos ive realized that there are so many people that i have changed with and watched change. some are gone forever or just moved away, to many are enemies quarreling for reasons i dont even think they know. (i am guilty of this myself.) but right now when everything in my life is changing so drastically and everything feels out of control i cant but help and look at all the memories that i can hold to. that are mine forever and even if the people i shared them with are gone, i still have a small piece of them just for me. we've shared so many parties, birthdays, even celebrations for no reason at all. we just knew each other and loved that we had people to eat, drink, and merry with(i just borrowed it dave).
i feel so much regret of the bad decisions ive made and fear that i hold onto, i wont have any more wonderful moments, hours, even years that brought me and the people i loved so much joy. all i can do is hope i can find a smile and a reason to create just a few more jokes, hugs, kisses, dances, embarrasing moments, and countless other things that kept me going and wanting to wake up in the morning to see whats next. lately all ive heard is "all you have is yourself" and shit like "only you can take care of you" well i dont think thats true cause so many times i simply didnt want to go on and someone made me laugh or told me that whereever i was they were there for me. today was one of those days when i was in so much pain i thought my heart would explode and i reached out to someone very far away and he told me he loved me and i know that he meant it and that i was important to him. even though it sounds insecure sometimes we just need to hear it well at least i do. and i cant be ashamed anymore that i need people, i need to love, i need to share the moments in my life with the people that mean something to me. i am hurting right now and im trying so hard to not show anyone all im doing is letting it take me over and showing everyone. i have to find a way, and it has to be my way. to be honest i dont know what that way is but i guess thats the journey right??? i dont know if in ten mins ill feel completely different and want to cry hysterially and throw myself down a flight of stairs but right now i feel a little peace and it came from just focusing on the times ive shared where i was happy. i know i cant focus on the past too much but i do know i can use to past to help me shape my future. ive tried hurting and not loving myself maybe i could try the other way. maybe i could try to see what others see in me and take a shot at loving what i have to offer the world and the people i love. maybe, just maybe, one day i could love myself enough to love someone else the way i know i could if i just could fill the hole in my heart. either way, just for today i am going to do what i want, what makes me happy and no matter the consequences know that i am doing what makes me happy and that is the only right way to live and it has to start this minute....

RE: LOVE (dont read unless you want to cry or puke...)

...as i lay in bed miserable cause it just hit me that i was loved. i know i was, in my heart and soul and everywhere else that matters i was. and somewhere somehow that love that was so good and whole just went away. I was good at love, i made it important and i made the person i loved a promise and i kept it. i never strayed and i always showed it even when i wasnt given it and for all the effort and time and passion i gave it didnt matter and it still doesnt cause its gone.
what did i do that i couldnt keep it? i swear i tried. at least i know for a not-so-short while i had love in my heart it felt better than any substance ever could. i weep for anyone that hasnt had this and i weep for myself cause there is no certainty that i will ever love again. right now i dont even love myself. (which is probably an answer to many of my previous questions.) ive lost so many different loves.... friends, family, but this. this is the love i chose for myself it fit me and for a long time we fit together. i had a family, not in the traditional sense but it was my family and i feel like its been forever since ive come home and they arent there. yeah it was just a dog and a man who seem to fit me perfect and they were mine and i would have given anything for them so why is it gone? and why do i feel so empty? i cant believe im letting this out for the world to see but who really reads these things anyway?
im so scared that all the love i have in my heart will never find its rightful owner. i know its suppose to be me but thats a different kind of love and its what i wake up with and fight these demons that i have everyday, but the love in my heart that has no home is something that i know shines so bright and gives endlessly. it comforts and heels and i know there is nothing like it. it hurts me that i have it to give but no one to give it to. i know so many that dont have any love to give or have given it to the wrong people so much its died within them. but mine hasnt. i will never stop showing the people that love me i love them but this love i have that will be reserved for one special person deserves a home only for it....

EPIPHANY (Usually happens with breakups, well heres mine)

....so ive had one. Like a real one. First im going to start off by saying i have made some poor decisions these past few days. possibly ruined some relationships, definitely caused some bodily harm, said some things i meant or didnt mean but felt good saying it anyway, you know the basic break up stuff. BUT the epiphany is that i think i do all these things because i want to be heard....NO not heard i want to be listened to and felt like what im saying is important to the one listening. The problem is I feel lonely so much of the time i dont want to say things cause i dont think anyone wants to hear what i have to say i guess i could have simply said i feel like no ones listening and if they are, i shouldnt be saying anything cause im burdening them with my bullshit...i either feel like people listen cause they dont want to be mean or i feel people think i have an agenda and cant take what im saying as the truth cause im being frank, just some way to get what i want by being blunt or i find myself holding back cause im scared of the reaction of the truth or my opinion, or perception its seems impossible for most people to not be synical and for me not to be scared of them being synical.
I have been attracted to or attracting these people, men i mean that are inherently selfish. some know it, some dont and for most its not their faults but selfish is as selfish does. (yeah i said it!) the way this relates to me is that i am a pleaser, I want to please, i want to make people happy, i want to be the martyr i cant say its a good thing cause i cant blame these people for my wanting to provide whatever they need when they need it and i cant blame them for taking advantage of it. who wouldnt want someone to make you feel extremely wanted. the really bad part is that most of the time im not doing things for these people because i want them to feel good, well sometimes thats the reason i love to see someone get what they deserve if they are deserving but i know that sometimes i am doing it because i know it will make them like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i dont know if thats the personality i want to show or the "real" me
(whatever that is) and im not sure i am good enough just in general. i know everyone says why does that matter....well it masters to me. im my heart i know i would take a beating to stop someone i love from not feeling a small amount of pain or worry.
the problem with this is that now its just me im single. before i knew if i was feeling like no one was listening i had someone at home that would (even if he didnt want to he was commited to paying attention to me and that made me feel safe.) i dont have anyone to please and martyr myself for anymore. and he loved me and thats gone too. even knowing he still loves me is terrible cause i want to comfort him and make him feel like like this isnt a cold hard world where people are so quick to leave you high and dry. even he already feels that way i dont want to be the one to prove him right
i guess to round this up im taking responsibility for my happiness. if im not happy its no ones fault but my own and if i have something to say i should just say it
(within reason of course i dont want to be that asshole with an unwarranted opinion to share). i know this is self help 101 stuff but what can i say i'm a slow learner


the solution for me right now is take some advice for some wonderful friends and just stop feeling guilty and sorry for everything that i cant fix. even if its something in my life. at least i think thats what they're telling me. i guess the point is that i need to break a cycle. first stop hurting myself physically and emotionally and except that the people that love me will love me whether they can get something for them in some way or the other. i have to start believing that i am worthy of real love. and eventually ill find it even it just from myself . hopefully i will learn to be in love once i love myself. hopefully ill live that long and hopefully i wont be my usual stubborn self and not take my own advice. (i'm famous for that you know) if i commit to change maybe its possible. not that i can say this from experience but ive promised myself im going to try. my life has to mean something and if i dont start making something of it now i will just waste more time and the time i have wasted is enough for a lifetime.

I AM FUCKING PATHETIC

you know what else i can do??? stop bitching and fucking get over it, this was no surprise. i cant believe im letting something like this hurt me with all the other crap i have been through i mean ive been punched square in the face like i was trying steal his wallet and i did nothing. I am going to wake up tomorrow and see what tomorrow will bring me. I'm going to pray it brings me some peace of mind and maybe a little fun, a good friend to share some laughs with. I'm not picky and I dont think i deserve anything spectacular im no where near perfect, but im loving and generous. I treat people with respect and I dont believe in holding onto emotions or lieing to make yourself look like someone your not. TO be honest i think im being self indulgent and just plain silly for writing this blog. Why would I believe that I am so self important that people will want to read what I think im contributting to this world or relationships I have. Maybe its helping me some. I do lack a certain amount of confidence so I really dont believe people want to hear what I want to say. I don't think I have anything smart enough to warrant a reaction and I generally don't want the reaction. I am going to say something....im afraid of death and all but really sometimes i dont want to wake up. No one will have to worry about me, and maybe theres a chance this pain in the pit of my stomach since i can remember will go away. I just want a little happiness. Something I can trust in. I promise I won't take it for granted. I want to trust myself. If i can't have just a little of these things how can I go on??? i dont want to be one of those people always searching and settling. I want the real thing....i want to feel complete then find someone to share that completeness with. I never thought i deserved kids like im to selfish or something but I would like to love something so completely nothing can kill it. You can't love a man like that cause then u fuck his friend cause his dicks bigger and suddenly he don't make you complete
anymore but with a child, that love grows stronger everyday and if you can have a relationship that you can share the experience of raising a human to be compassionate and smart with common sense and respect. Thats a bond that should never be broken.
What am I even talking about??? Let me get straight what I just preached about "loving myself enough to love someone else completely and enough to have kids with them that grow up to be happy and healthy" yeah i gotta go to bed im apparently dream blogging.....

Ouch...this pain is killing me

....so the pain has set in and is apparently here to stay. I am struggling! i have enough depression issues maybe relationships arent something i can be good at. I try to hard or not enough, i never when i should hold back or give my all. everytime i have given my all i ended up with more than a broken heart my soul felt crushed. its not so much the same this time cause i know its been over and this has been coming but im not prepared for all this change. im scared to death and i dont know how to even begin to control it. im so tired of crying and hurting, im done with putting my heart out there. so i wasted 10 years, just thinking that makes me sick to my stomach. i dont get men or relationships or myself for that matter so from now on its just me. Im just going to focus on me and the people that love me and show me that i am important. what else can i do???

ITS OVER!!!

Hes drunk and unmotivated and I am DONE!!! I've tried, I swear I have but he doesn't love himself and refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his own life so I must move on. I know I am not the skinniest most beautiful person in the world but I have a good heart and I try to make him feel wanted and important, but if he doesn't want to try to make something of himself then I can't fight this losing battle anymore. I don't know if this means I will be alone or what but I know that I can do bad on my own. I have worked hard to get where I am right now and I thought we were on the same page but I will not wallow in someone else's self pity. and I definitely refuse to be with a drunk. and all this is because we couldn't celebrate his birthday on the actual day. maybe if he hadn't got fired twice in a month we would have been able to have a celebration but instead I had to work to pay rent which we are still behind on. since then I have been working even more. If hes mad cause I went to a concert. the same concert I have been going to for 10 years then he can fuck off. I worked hard to get that little bit of time off while still paying bills and expenses. Hes not a man, hes a little boy looking for someone to take care of him. His own Mom is done with that job. I am moving on with my life. Whatever that means thats what I'm doing. Anything must be better than what I have right now 10 years is long enough to waste on someone who won't even help themself.

I am done with this nonsense!!!!

So I go out tonight and have a perfectly good time. I worked overtime all week so this weekend I could go to see Dave Matthews which I have done every year for the past ten years. I come home to my boyfriend picking a fight with me because he said I didn't do anything for his birthday. Now I totally would have done something except he got fired from 2 different jobs in less than a month and I have to work to pay the rent. So sorry I didn't have money to buy you a video game or take you to dinner when I have been barely eating myself. We even agreed that we would do something once we got caught up on bills. and I have been secretly planning something for next month so he wouldn't feel like I forgot. But because I haven't mentioned to him what I'm planning he assumes its nothing and acts like a dick. Throwing in my face how he helped me this year Which happens quite frequently when I was getting off pain meds and doing something better for myself...I thought. Now I don't want to do shit for his birthday. For someone that has no ambition and barely ever gives me any affection he expects me to act like a doting, loving girlfriend. Well that went out the window a few years ago. We have been together nearly 10 years and this is obviously going nowhere slow. Basically we are roomates. This is not the relationship I wanted needless to say not the one I dreamed of, it is simply NOT a healthy relationship. I need to just get off my ass and end it. I have options if I apply myself, I think I could go farther in my life if I wasn't worried about making HIM feel emasculated. Fuck him he didn't worry about me when he said I was annoying because I wanted an answer to my question or for him to just explain himself plus the countless other hurtful things he said. He says whatever he wants having no remorse and having no regard for how it may make me feel. Maybe I should start throwing low blows like he can barely get it up and when he does it only lasts a few mins "If i'm lucky". If he goes down on me its like watching paint dry. I could finish myself off easier and not have to worry about him poking around down there like hes looking for his house keys. I would say car keys but he doesn't even drive. I might as well be alone cause I am just as lonely and not even close to being fulfilled. I don't even feel the love I once did. This relationship is pointless. I've been losing weight not that he says it bothers him but the sex im not getting makes me think otherwise. I am just sick of it all. I could be single and then I could at least have random sex or at least have an excuse not to have sex. If I don't get some physical contact soon I don't know what I'm going to do. HELP!!!!! I am not saying I'm perfect in any way but I am a kind person, I tell it like it is, I respect my fellow human being, and I have lots of great qualities that I'm sure someone would appreciate. Why am I wasting my time on someone that refuses to grow up and treat me like I'm never going anywhere???? I know what to do but the follow through seems impossible.

RESPECT

So I know im always bitchin about work and rude people but its getting worse I think. FYI for people that frequently have lunch at a restaurant on their lunch hour or people that want to have meetings while having lunch. Just like you are working this is OUR place of business too. If you are sitting there for 3 hours thats taking money out of our pockets taking up the table just for you. Nothing in this world is free, if you are going to take up a table for that long at least leave the expected 20% plus more for taking up the table for what could have been more tables. We do this for tips. We only make about $2.75+tips then from our tips we have to tip out the busboys, bartenders, food runners, etc. So if you leave us under 10% we lose money essentially paying for you to eat. Now that just doesn't seem fair. Have a little compassion for for your fellow human being. Say hello to a stranger in the street or the bus driver that you see everyday going to work.
On one other note....BLACK PEOPLE listen to this. If you think its discrimination that you don't always get treated well in restaurants let me tell you why. First, a good 60% of you tip like we still live in the 50's if you don't dine out regularly dine out with a friend who does so you can learn the etiquette of eating out before trying it on your own 10% is NOT acceptable and its insulting to the person that has went out of their way to serve you food with a smile, Second stop with the separate checks be an adult and bring cash when you eat out and if you can't we can split the check amounts evenly for each card, splitting the check is a pain in the ass as well as confusing we have so many checks to deal with in a shift we don't need 1 table w/ 5 separate receipts. Keep it simple, Lastly if you have children under the age of 6 ORDER FOR THEM. Yes little "Johnny does need to know how to conduct himself in a restaurant but we are busy. To busy for Johnny to first try to read through a menu he doesn't understand and then tell us in words we probably don't understand. I guess the moral of this whole rant is to use some common sense and treat people like you would want to be treated at your place of business or just walking through life. Treat people how you would like to be treated its good for the soul.

To be single or not to be single....that is the question

So I have been with my boyfriend for just under 10 years. For as long as we have been together most of my friends have said hes weighing me down and I can do a lot better without him. Basically I mommy him. We have broken up a few times and he always seems to get his shit together when we are apart but then soon as we get back together he falls back into the same bullshit, drinking to much etc. I have just been off work for a few months to get off a serious pill addiction and have been making a serious effort to gain a successful life. He says he wants the same things but in my heart I think we are on borrowed time. Sometimes I wish he would just end it so I don't have to. I feel that I owe him in some way cause he took care of me while I wasn't working. Its not like we didn't make the decision together for me to take time off to get myself better and said he was happy to help me get my life together. BUT when he drinks he gets silly drunk and lays a shit ton of guilt on me cause HE had to take care of me. and then low and behold as soon as I started working he gets fired. Then he finds another job and gets fired from that job. He also takes my pills that I use for anxiety and sleeping. On paper he sucks as a boyfriend but he also his my best friend we can laugh and talk about anything but there is no intimacy we haven't had sex in months last year we did it twice. I attempted to have sex with him last night for the first time but he pulled the whole I have a stomach ache routine. Once again I feel ugly and rejected something I just told him that happens when he does this. Basically we are one bedroom roomates. I love him and I still feel in love with him but I feel that in love part dwindling away. I want someone to want me physically and mentally. I know there is no perfect relationship and I'm afraid of being single but I already feel alone and lonely. Why bother with this relationship that seems to be failing anyway????

Verbal Tip

So a verbal tip is one you are waiting a table and the people or persons you are waiting on gush on how wonderful their experience was and how great the food was, laughs at all your jokes yadda yadda yadda THEN you see your tip and its FUCKING CRAP!!!! like $5 on a $50 check. To be honest I would have been happier if you dry and miserable and left me a 30% tip. Money talk....bullshit runs a marathon. I hope all the mother fuckers I have had to misfortune of waiting on in the past that left me shitty ass 4 and 5% tips are reading this and just now realizing what a piece of humongous piece of smelly runny shit you are. I do this for a living cause it makes me money and once in a while I have to privelegde of waiting on someone that is friendly and can appreciate that I am a human being trying to perform a service for YOU! Anyway I am going to be so I can wake up and do it all over again. But in case anyone reading this and wants a little secrey Marion Barry is a SHITTY tipper and as rude as shit. Like a wannabe DIVA with no money.
Thats it i'm gone

Treat your server with respect

So I work in a fairly popular restaurant in NW, Washington, DC. This past weekend we were visited by lots of tourists. People visiting for the 4th of July festivities. Are there no restaurants outside of DC other than the occasional Dennys? I mean people haven't tipped 10% since the early 80s and that's being generous. I work for my tips I make less than 3 dollars an hour and I have to pay busboys and food runners percentages of my tips. So if one were to leave less than 10% I possibly could be paying to you to eat at my restaurant. Come on people use a little consideration and compassion. If you need a refill and would like dessert tell the waiter at the same time. Don't make them make 2 trips. Also, 20% is the accepted norm for a tip in America. If you can't afford to leave this then you shouldn't be eating out. If a server has gone above and beyond and has given you great service. PROVE IT leave them a tip that is applicable with the time they spent making your lunch or evening a good one. One last thing, we are human beings if I walk up to your table and you are having a conversation take a brief pause and allow your server to present themself and try to accomodate YOU. Don't finish your thought expecting us to stand and wait. In case you didn't notice you most likely are not the only person in the restaurant and we enjoy being aknowledged the same as you if you walked into a room. No one likes to be ignored. One more thing this clinking on the glass or snapping of the finger to get a servers attention is rude, juvenile, and just plain ignorant. Treat the people that service you with the respect you would expect to receive in your workplace and tip accordingly. I have a brain like an elephant as do many of my peers and if you leave a bad tip, trust me if you come back we will remember...

P.S. If you treat your server with kindness I am almost positive you will receive that kindness back in abundance. A small hint if you have small children order for them, we don't have time for 3 yr old Johnny to figure out he wants chocolate milk that we dont serve. I'm sure I'll have some more to say about this later but absorb this for now I will get back to you later with some helpful hints for riding the metro