progress.....

...except the fact that ive had a bronchial infection or some shit i am surely becoming healthier mentally. i don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore and the more i think about it, the act of it seemed ridiculous. not that it didn't seem ridiculous at the time but now it just seems counterproductive and not something that would make me feel better anymore. and i can actually think of things that would make me feel better without being destructive.(i wont lie though i still have a few destructive tricks up my sleeve but i dont feel like they are what will help me any more -wow i never thought i would say that! :)) this is definitely new for me. i cant say ill never feel that way again (i never say never cause that just ensures that it will happen again but im hoping for the best.)
as for my ended relationship im starting to get use to being on my own. i still care for him deeply and love him as my family, after all we shared almost a whole life together. a decade is a long time. but i know that its time to take care of myself and thats not selfish, thats smart. its not even that i dont think he didnt want to take care of me he just didnt know how. we both didnt know how to maintain a healthy relationship. i cant exchange comfort for being IN love and i cant exchange friend/caring love for someone for being IN love either. more importantly i cant love anyone else if im not loving myself. and i sure as shit cant help anyone if im not helping myself. now that im getting over this illness i think ill start back on the exercising that i had slowly started with before i came down with this "swine flu simulator ebola 8.65" LOL! i want to look my best cause i AM beautiful but i could be more beautiful if lost some of this extra weight, i dont need it and its stopping me from being the woman that i want to be. ive lost some weight but i want to make a commitment to it. i can say that with confidence knowing that this is something that i want to commit to cause it will help me be a better person. and it will help me be healthier and thats most important this is the only life i have that i know of and i need to start cherishing it. it can be gone in an instant and theres so much i want to do. i dont want it to end cause i was to lazy to maintain a healthy diet and exercise a few times a week. thats truly a waste and i see that now.
anyway, im feeling more comfortable letting others see the "real "me (whatever that is)some things i know for sure: i know what i like as far as people and who i choose to surround myself with and i know im funny and caring and have the heart the size of Kansas that i wear directly on my sleeve. i know that i dont speak up to spare others feelings and must stop that. i have to protect my feelings too. right now im not so embarrassed about what i have to offer and i realize that it is a lot.and that i am a lot. i have a lot to say and sometimes dont shut up when i should but i also have some great things to say that are meaningful and relevant. i have so many thoughts and ideas that i could use to improve my life and i am smart and clever and i have a lot that i need to start offering myself. ive been shorting myself so many good things that can make my life so much more successful and special in so many ways and again as far as i know this is the only one i got i HAVE TO STOP WASTING IT! and if i do find a special someone then they would be so lucky to have me. i love to love and when im ready to give my heart out again i will do with confidence knowing what i have to offer and have no need to hold back cause im embarrassed something i dont like will come out. whoever i choose to love will love me for me the way i am. if someone wants to love me they have to love all of me. and i would do the same i would take care of that persons heart the same as i would with my own and right now my intention is to never neglect my heart and soul again. for far to long i have suffered at my own hand and now with my own hands i am going to change it. i dont know how long this confidence will last cause ive never had it before(i hope its not fleeting but i believe that it isnt) but i am going to do my best to remind myself that I AM important and loved and that i have so many things to offer the people i love and this world. im sure ill have good days and bad but ive had some good days and i loved them and i want to have more of them until they turn into a good life. i feel hope and its been well never since ive had that feeling truly in my heart. i believe if i stick to a game plan of reminding me to love myself and see the things i am good for instead of the shitty things i tend to focus on the good days will start to outweigh the bad. i know that any of my friends that are reading this are saying "DUH told you so" but i had to come to it on my own. time really does help heal wounds....oh as for the battle scars. i hate that i have constant reminders that i dropped my proverbial basket but ill just have to find a way to make it positive so its not a constant reminder that i had/have a strong ability to go fucking insane. right now im feeling mostly healthy mentally and somewhat healthy physically except this bronchial infection thats slowly going away but hey things will never be perfect. some lessons i am drilling into my head are things will never be perfect and change is inevitable so theres no need for it to wreck me everytime something major changes just cause im scared of the unknown. right now i just want to be the best i can be. really thats all i should have to be. those who love me have to take me for what i am and if you cant then you simply cant love me for me and i dont need anyone like that. i dont need to change the good stuff that i like about me for anyone. if you did want me to change i probably couldnt love you anyway and if thats the case FUCK YOU RIGHT IN UR BLOWHOLE HAHAHA obviously im tired cause that was just silly. well just wanted to give a positive update for anyone that reads this and vent for myself that i am doing better. its just feels good to get it out. I AM HEALING!!! good for me....