Memories, i took a look back and found....

...i have so many great memories that i couldnt begin to count them or imagine asking for more. looking through old photos ive realized that there are so many people that i have changed with and watched change. some are gone forever or just moved away, to many are enemies quarreling for reasons i dont even think they know. (i am guilty of this myself.) but right now when everything in my life is changing so drastically and everything feels out of control i cant but help and look at all the memories that i can hold to. that are mine forever and even if the people i shared them with are gone, i still have a small piece of them just for me. we've shared so many parties, birthdays, even celebrations for no reason at all. we just knew each other and loved that we had people to eat, drink, and merry with(i just borrowed it dave).
i feel so much regret of the bad decisions ive made and fear that i hold onto, i wont have any more wonderful moments, hours, even years that brought me and the people i loved so much joy. all i can do is hope i can find a smile and a reason to create just a few more jokes, hugs, kisses, dances, embarrasing moments, and countless other things that kept me going and wanting to wake up in the morning to see whats next. lately all ive heard is "all you have is yourself" and shit like "only you can take care of you" well i dont think thats true cause so many times i simply didnt want to go on and someone made me laugh or told me that whereever i was they were there for me. today was one of those days when i was in so much pain i thought my heart would explode and i reached out to someone very far away and he told me he loved me and i know that he meant it and that i was important to him. even though it sounds insecure sometimes we just need to hear it well at least i do. and i cant be ashamed anymore that i need people, i need to love, i need to share the moments in my life with the people that mean something to me. i am hurting right now and im trying so hard to not show anyone all im doing is letting it take me over and showing everyone. i have to find a way, and it has to be my way. to be honest i dont know what that way is but i guess thats the journey right??? i dont know if in ten mins ill feel completely different and want to cry hysterially and throw myself down a flight of stairs but right now i feel a little peace and it came from just focusing on the times ive shared where i was happy. i know i cant focus on the past too much but i do know i can use to past to help me shape my future. ive tried hurting and not loving myself maybe i could try the other way. maybe i could try to see what others see in me and take a shot at loving what i have to offer the world and the people i love. maybe, just maybe, one day i could love myself enough to love someone else the way i know i could if i just could fill the hole in my heart. either way, just for today i am going to do what i want, what makes me happy and no matter the consequences know that i am doing what makes me happy and that is the only right way to live and it has to start this minute....