so many questions????

...why was i the one chosen? what made me so "special"? was it cause i was annoying or ugly? or just not what he wanted me to be? i definitely tried to be, i definitely wanted to be. why did i want that and why was it so important to me to be with him that i sacrificed so much? i want it back, all of it. everything i let go for nothing. i didn't even learn anything from it (except how to make excuses for allowing myself to be treated that way)and now years later am i still paying for my ignorance still paying for my shallow wants? i cant even look myself in the mirror. i feel bad for everything and i cant or wont even allow myself to shine cause i hurt so much sometimes i feel like its eating me alive. when is this ever going to end?
these questions are endless...and until they are answered i feel incomplete. like everythings just one big unanswered question weighing so heavy over me i feel as if I'm being crushed. and i cant say that i wouldnt allow this into my life again. i feel like i would welcome it in some self deprecating unconscious way. maybe i think this is only way people show love...to throw it at you and make you suffer for it. i certainly dont understand how to receive love in the way that most do. i seem to fight hand over fist to NOT be loved. im always fighting any help im offered. why its not "helping" and why im still hurting. i just dont understand why anyone would want to care for me this way and i certainly dont deserve any of it. i brought all this pain on myself. save the good, kind love for someone who can appreciate it is what im always thinking. it would just be a waste on me. all i know is that until i can answer a few of these questions i wont be able to continue like a normal person. some of this pain has to be pushed out or at least away before i can move one more step.