37 weeks...almost there

so here i am almost ready to pop this little guy out. still so excited to meet him and be his mommy. feeling lonely and scared at the prospect of being a single mom and i do mean SINGLE but doing it myself is much better than trying to do this with a serious mentally unstable selfish person. i know im gonna miss being pregnant and having baby Carter kick and tussle around inside me but i know theres gonna me so much more to experience once hes here. i hope im good at this whole parenting thing. i know im gonna do the best i can plus some! WHEW here we go...im gonna be a Mommy :)

Baby on board

So im 14 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Very happy at the prospect of becoming a mother. My body changes just about everyday I feel little movements and its nothing short of amazing. I can't wait to meet my little person I hope that I'm creating a good enviroment for my lil one but its difficult I am doing my best though I am so in love with this little creature I feel myself changing emotionally nothing seems as important as having a healthy baby. I wanted to begin a family with the person I've created this life with and love tremendously but mental illness and distress is making that difficult I am hoping for the best but being realistic I have to take care of my baby...I cant help someone who wont help themself. Have a tummy buldge and my boobs are enormous cant wait to have a bigger belly but im sure i will regret saying that LOL off to bed give US some rest

im here...

your the grownup your suppose to teach me reason and accountabiliy
instead i feel always on a mission to try and reach your humanity
be my daddy
remember when that was important
remember what that meant
you were suppose to be my security
protect me even from myself
but instead you allowed your agenda to take reign
making your rules insane and my trust fleeting
yes have had a brief meeting
but i felt no closer to you than a lonely stranger
in my heart i feel the danger
the catastrophe if goodbyes arent said and glances of love arent met
my faith is shaky but still ill pray hoping your well
let our love flourish once again please
little girls need their daddy
please release this curse let me come to you
i promise i wont cuss or argue
the past is long gone ive blocked it out
i have no clue dont know why we are here
i promise ill be your lil girl again
please just met my daddy appear

brand new....

my heart got a lil bigger
feelings i thought were lost to youth
crushes and giggles, warmth inside, butterflies dancing from stomach to head
thoughts of love only flickered and now the possibilty
oh the possibility...
scared of the brokeness im all to familiar with
unsure if i can bare to chance pain again
just becoming familar with the thought that my beauty was unseen
but no longer, please no longer
i feel maybe i should run....keep distance, self preservation
but what if i didnt get hurt, what if beauty was something he sees
and i was someone he didnt just leave
for now ill just close my eyes and remember tonight i was held close and felt his warmth
soft lips against mine leaving wanting more, felt like magnets in our eyes
magical sight
so tonight when i close my eyes i wont be in pain wont be frightened wont be ashamed
dont know about tomorrow morning or night
ill have this just for tonight....

I'm weary....

tears to dream
only to wake to tears.
again and again
sometimes i feel my heart growing stronger
but those times are fleeting and followed by stronger times of pain and hurt
ive been hurt by those ive known for so long i thought they couldnt hurt me but they did and harder and so unexpected
ive been hurt in short times by people whose words seemed so real that it almost seemed that they knew what i was feeling directly inside only to realize that those words were being used for some reason or another mostly to use me or my body for their pleasures
is trust something bought by fools cause right now i feel a fool i dont feel i can trust anyone fully
everyone hurts you at some point
even your family, your closest friends, strangers they are all hurt you and even yourself
i hurt myself to stop the pain inflicted by others
im tired of hurting, im tired of being used for the nothing i even have
just once i want to be loved or even cared for wholly, just for me because of me maybe thats just a fleeting thought too
maybe i dont deserve it who knows these things, but i am tired.
almost too tired.

i hate when its right in.....

....right in front of your face and you don't realize it, i just have to let go of the things that are bringing me down and set them free. im not attached to them by blood. i hold my friendships and relationships very dear but i realize when im on the only one trying to holding this pairing together something has to sacrifice and it wont be me.

I'm GROWN....

....I must have my own place to live and be free from under the thumb of my family. Time to grow up. I would like to spend time with my mother but with her there is no talking about anything besides money and how much most she wants and how much she wants me to give her. One problem with that. I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY!!!! Not enough to help her. i cant even afford to get my tooth pulled. I really don't think she cares. It honestly doesn't seem she cares much about 'me at all. I just need distance. When I have people that haven't known me my whole life treating me better than my Mother somethings need to change. I'm going to do with my life what i want to do. I'm going to make a plan and stick to it. I've been working hard to love myself and put my priorities in order and people who don't act like they love or want the best for me or treat me like their personal punching bag are out for me. unless you can love me or treat me as i deserve to be treated can earn back my favor. but with actions not words....