....so ive had one. Like a real one. First im going to start off by saying i have made some poor decisions these past few days. possibly ruined some relationships, definitely caused some bodily harm, said some things i meant or didnt mean but felt good saying it anyway, you know the basic break up stuff. BUT the epiphany is that i think i do all these things because i want to be heard....NO not heard i want to be listened to and felt like what im saying is important to the one listening. The problem is I feel lonely so much of the time i dont want to say things cause i dont think anyone wants to hear what i have to say i guess i could have simply said i feel like no ones listening and if they are, i shouldnt be saying anything cause im burdening them with my bullshit...i either feel like people listen cause they dont want to be mean or i feel people think i have an agenda and cant take what im saying as the truth cause im being frank, just some way to get what i want by being blunt or i find myself holding back cause im scared of the reaction of the truth or my opinion, or perception its seems impossible for most people to not be synical and for me not to be scared of them being synical.
I have been attracted to or attracting these people, men i mean that are inherently selfish. some know it, some dont and for most its not their faults but selfish is as selfish does. (yeah i said it!) the way this relates to me is that i am a pleaser, I want to please, i want to make people happy, i want to be the martyr i cant say its a good thing cause i cant blame these people for my wanting to provide whatever they need when they need it and i cant blame them for taking advantage of it. who wouldnt want someone to make you feel extremely wanted. the really bad part is that most of the time im not doing things for these people because i want them to feel good, well sometimes thats the reason i love to see someone get what they deserve if they are deserving but i know that sometimes i am doing it because i know it will make them like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i dont know if thats the personality i want to show or the "real" me
(whatever that is) and im not sure i am good enough just in general. i know everyone says why does that matter....well it masters to me. im my heart i know i would take a beating to stop someone i love from not feeling a small amount of pain or worry.
the problem with this is that now its just me im single. before i knew if i was feeling like no one was listening i had someone at home that would (even if he didnt want to he was commited to paying attention to me and that made me feel safe.) i dont have anyone to please and martyr myself for anymore. and he loved me and thats gone too. even knowing he still loves me is terrible cause i want to comfort him and make him feel like like this isnt a cold hard world where people are so quick to leave you high and dry. even he already feels that way i dont want to be the one to prove him right
i guess to round this up im taking responsibility for my happiness. if im not happy its no ones fault but my own and if i have something to say i should just say it
(within reason of course i dont want to be that asshole with an unwarranted opinion to share). i know this is self help 101 stuff but what can i say i'm a slow learner
the solution for me right now is take some advice for some wonderful friends and just stop feeling guilty and sorry for everything that i cant fix. even if its something in my life. at least i think thats what they're telling me. i guess the point is that i need to break a cycle. first stop hurting myself physically and emotionally and except that the people that love me will love me whether they can get something for them in some way or the other. i have to start believing that i am worthy of real love. and eventually ill find it even it just from myself . hopefully i will learn to be in love once i love myself. hopefully ill live that long and hopefully i wont be my usual stubborn self and not take my own advice. (i'm famous for that you know) if i commit to change maybe its possible. not that i can say this from experience but ive promised myself im going to try. my life has to mean something and if i dont start making something of it now i will just waste more time and the time i have wasted is enough for a lifetime.
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