mental masturbation of sorts....

i feel numb....i guess this is the part of the breakup where i am suppose to feel this way. not really sure though everyone has their particular advice, which i dont follow and then complain that no one has anything constructive to say. actually im not sure how i feel...is YUCKY a feeling???? life is so uncertain and i was hoping that uncertainty would bring a welcome surprise but turns out, i dont like surprises. i like to know how things are going to happen and when. i know this is impossible in life but this amount of uncertainty is unsettling. makes me feel like a failure for being so unprepared for that inevitable thing which is change. ive never really enjoyed change or handled it very well but never quite this piss poor. i even feel my body changing. i feel like my central nervous system is on high alert like code red type shit!
there are things i am certain of: i like my independence and am not happy without it, i like the company of people i trust (maybe to much), being alone isnt good for me, i refuse to eat out or see a movie alone(i mean arent those social things to do anyway) i love television and the distraction it provides, amd being single has so many advantages but nothing to me can equal the feeling of true love and really theres more but i think thats the important stuff.
on another note i was reading my horoscope and it said somethings that i think are true, even though i try not to give into all that crap. it said that anyone that EARNS my heart is lucky cause im a giver. well that is true i am starting to see what i have to offer instead of all the things that make me feel a burden to anyone who chooses to love me or care to be in my life. there are plenty of physical things that i wont talk about it in such a social setting lets just say im a giver in many ways. but other than that if i care for you realize that i would do anything to ensure that you are happy. i enjoy this yeah im stubborn and sometimes dont take great care of myself but its more important to for me to see someone else happy even for a moment and even at the expense of my own happiness or wants. and this isnt a martyr myself type thing. i truly enjoy the ability to give others joy. i want those who know i am the person that they can call anytime for anything they need and not have to worry about me treating them as an inconvenience or burden. and i cant truly expect this of anyone else towards me but i realize that this need i have to give i have been giving out too freely. i havent been taking into consideration how quickly i can be taken advantage of and how bad that hurts as well as how personally i take it even if it wasnt personal at all.
so whats the conclusion to all this i guess we could say mental masturbation....that i know myself a little more after putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain, and that i have to not give everything i have to anyone just cause it feels good. maybe reserving myself and what i have to offer will bring me more joy than spreading myself thin to so many that dont deserve it or havent earned it. its hard to tell who should be on the receiving end of these things but i have a feeling ill know when i know and hope that intuition and common sense will prevail in most cases. cant say my track record is all that good but a positive attitude can count for a lot...I HOPE!