...why was i the one chosen? what made me so "special"? was it cause i was annoying or ugly? or just not what he wanted me to be? i definitely tried to be, i definitely wanted to be. why did i want that and why was it so important to me to be with him that i sacrificed so much? i want it back, all of it. everything i let go for nothing. i didn't even learn anything from it (except how to make excuses for allowing myself to be treated that way)and now years later am i still paying for my ignorance still paying for my shallow wants? i cant even look myself in the mirror. i feel bad for everything and i cant or wont even allow myself to shine cause i hurt so much sometimes i feel like its eating me alive. when is this ever going to end?
these questions are endless...and until they are answered i feel incomplete. like everythings just one big unanswered question weighing so heavy over me i feel as if I'm being crushed. and i cant say that i wouldnt allow this into my life again. i feel like i would welcome it in some self deprecating unconscious way. maybe i think this is only way people show love...to throw it at you and make you suffer for it. i certainly dont understand how to receive love in the way that most do. i seem to fight hand over fist to NOT be loved. im always fighting any help im offered. why its not "helping" and why im still hurting. i just dont understand why anyone would want to care for me this way and i certainly dont deserve any of it. i brought all this pain on myself. save the good, kind love for someone who can appreciate it is what im always thinking. it would just be a waste on me. all i know is that until i can answer a few of these questions i wont be able to continue like a normal person. some of this pain has to be pushed out or at least away before i can move one more step.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
mental masturbation of sorts....
i feel numb....i guess this is the part of the breakup where i am suppose to feel this way. not really sure though everyone has their particular advice, which i dont follow and then complain that no one has anything constructive to say. actually im not sure how i feel...is YUCKY a feeling???? life is so uncertain and i was hoping that uncertainty would bring a welcome surprise but turns out, i dont like surprises. i like to know how things are going to happen and when. i know this is impossible in life but this amount of uncertainty is unsettling. makes me feel like a failure for being so unprepared for that inevitable thing which is change. ive never really enjoyed change or handled it very well but never quite this piss poor. i even feel my body changing. i feel like my central nervous system is on high alert like code red type shit!
there are things i am certain of: i like my independence and am not happy without it, i like the company of people i trust (maybe to much), being alone isnt good for me, i refuse to eat out or see a movie alone(i mean arent those social things to do anyway) i love television and the distraction it provides, amd being single has so many advantages but nothing to me can equal the feeling of true love and really theres more but i think thats the important stuff.
on another note i was reading my horoscope and it said somethings that i think are true, even though i try not to give into all that crap. it said that anyone that EARNS my heart is lucky cause im a giver. well that is true i am starting to see what i have to offer instead of all the things that make me feel a burden to anyone who chooses to love me or care to be in my life. there are plenty of physical things that i wont talk about it in such a social setting lets just say im a giver in many ways. but other than that if i care for you realize that i would do anything to ensure that you are happy. i enjoy this yeah im stubborn and sometimes dont take great care of myself but its more important to for me to see someone else happy even for a moment and even at the expense of my own happiness or wants. and this isnt a martyr myself type thing. i truly enjoy the ability to give others joy. i want those who know i am the person that they can call anytime for anything they need and not have to worry about me treating them as an inconvenience or burden. and i cant truly expect this of anyone else towards me but i realize that this need i have to give i have been giving out too freely. i havent been taking into consideration how quickly i can be taken advantage of and how bad that hurts as well as how personally i take it even if it wasnt personal at all.
so whats the conclusion to all this i guess we could say mental masturbation....that i know myself a little more after putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain, and that i have to not give everything i have to anyone just cause it feels good. maybe reserving myself and what i have to offer will bring me more joy than spreading myself thin to so many that dont deserve it or havent earned it. its hard to tell who should be on the receiving end of these things but i have a feeling ill know when i know and hope that intuition and common sense will prevail in most cases. cant say my track record is all that good but a positive attitude can count for a lot...I HOPE!
there are things i am certain of: i like my independence and am not happy without it, i like the company of people i trust (maybe to much), being alone isnt good for me, i refuse to eat out or see a movie alone(i mean arent those social things to do anyway) i love television and the distraction it provides, amd being single has so many advantages but nothing to me can equal the feeling of true love and really theres more but i think thats the important stuff.
on another note i was reading my horoscope and it said somethings that i think are true, even though i try not to give into all that crap. it said that anyone that EARNS my heart is lucky cause im a giver. well that is true i am starting to see what i have to offer instead of all the things that make me feel a burden to anyone who chooses to love me or care to be in my life. there are plenty of physical things that i wont talk about it in such a social setting lets just say im a giver in many ways. but other than that if i care for you realize that i would do anything to ensure that you are happy. i enjoy this yeah im stubborn and sometimes dont take great care of myself but its more important to for me to see someone else happy even for a moment and even at the expense of my own happiness or wants. and this isnt a martyr myself type thing. i truly enjoy the ability to give others joy. i want those who know i am the person that they can call anytime for anything they need and not have to worry about me treating them as an inconvenience or burden. and i cant truly expect this of anyone else towards me but i realize that this need i have to give i have been giving out too freely. i havent been taking into consideration how quickly i can be taken advantage of and how bad that hurts as well as how personally i take it even if it wasnt personal at all.
so whats the conclusion to all this i guess we could say mental masturbation....that i know myself a little more after putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain, and that i have to not give everything i have to anyone just cause it feels good. maybe reserving myself and what i have to offer will bring me more joy than spreading myself thin to so many that dont deserve it or havent earned it. its hard to tell who should be on the receiving end of these things but i have a feeling ill know when i know and hope that intuition and common sense will prevail in most cases. cant say my track record is all that good but a positive attitude can count for a lot...I HOPE!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Memories, i took a look back and found....
...i have so many great memories that i couldnt begin to count them or imagine asking for more. looking through old photos ive realized that there are so many people that i have changed with and watched change. some are gone forever or just moved away, to many are enemies quarreling for reasons i dont even think they know. (i am guilty of this myself.) but right now when everything in my life is changing so drastically and everything feels out of control i cant but help and look at all the memories that i can hold to. that are mine forever and even if the people i shared them with are gone, i still have a small piece of them just for me. we've shared so many parties, birthdays, even celebrations for no reason at all. we just knew each other and loved that we had people to eat, drink, and merry with(i just borrowed it dave).
i feel so much regret of the bad decisions ive made and fear that i hold onto, i wont have any more wonderful moments, hours, even years that brought me and the people i loved so much joy. all i can do is hope i can find a smile and a reason to create just a few more jokes, hugs, kisses, dances, embarrasing moments, and countless other things that kept me going and wanting to wake up in the morning to see whats next. lately all ive heard is "all you have is yourself" and shit like "only you can take care of you" well i dont think thats true cause so many times i simply didnt want to go on and someone made me laugh or told me that whereever i was they were there for me. today was one of those days when i was in so much pain i thought my heart would explode and i reached out to someone very far away and he told me he loved me and i know that he meant it and that i was important to him. even though it sounds insecure sometimes we just need to hear it well at least i do. and i cant be ashamed anymore that i need people, i need to love, i need to share the moments in my life with the people that mean something to me. i am hurting right now and im trying so hard to not show anyone all im doing is letting it take me over and showing everyone. i have to find a way, and it has to be my way. to be honest i dont know what that way is but i guess thats the journey right??? i dont know if in ten mins ill feel completely different and want to cry hysterially and throw myself down a flight of stairs but right now i feel a little peace and it came from just focusing on the times ive shared where i was happy. i know i cant focus on the past too much but i do know i can use to past to help me shape my future. ive tried hurting and not loving myself maybe i could try the other way. maybe i could try to see what others see in me and take a shot at loving what i have to offer the world and the people i love. maybe, just maybe, one day i could love myself enough to love someone else the way i know i could if i just could fill the hole in my heart. either way, just for today i am going to do what i want, what makes me happy and no matter the consequences know that i am doing what makes me happy and that is the only right way to live and it has to start this minute....
i feel so much regret of the bad decisions ive made and fear that i hold onto, i wont have any more wonderful moments, hours, even years that brought me and the people i loved so much joy. all i can do is hope i can find a smile and a reason to create just a few more jokes, hugs, kisses, dances, embarrasing moments, and countless other things that kept me going and wanting to wake up in the morning to see whats next. lately all ive heard is "all you have is yourself" and shit like "only you can take care of you" well i dont think thats true cause so many times i simply didnt want to go on and someone made me laugh or told me that whereever i was they were there for me. today was one of those days when i was in so much pain i thought my heart would explode and i reached out to someone very far away and he told me he loved me and i know that he meant it and that i was important to him. even though it sounds insecure sometimes we just need to hear it well at least i do. and i cant be ashamed anymore that i need people, i need to love, i need to share the moments in my life with the people that mean something to me. i am hurting right now and im trying so hard to not show anyone all im doing is letting it take me over and showing everyone. i have to find a way, and it has to be my way. to be honest i dont know what that way is but i guess thats the journey right??? i dont know if in ten mins ill feel completely different and want to cry hysterially and throw myself down a flight of stairs but right now i feel a little peace and it came from just focusing on the times ive shared where i was happy. i know i cant focus on the past too much but i do know i can use to past to help me shape my future. ive tried hurting and not loving myself maybe i could try the other way. maybe i could try to see what others see in me and take a shot at loving what i have to offer the world and the people i love. maybe, just maybe, one day i could love myself enough to love someone else the way i know i could if i just could fill the hole in my heart. either way, just for today i am going to do what i want, what makes me happy and no matter the consequences know that i am doing what makes me happy and that is the only right way to live and it has to start this minute....
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
RE: LOVE (dont read unless you want to cry or puke...)
...as i lay in bed miserable cause it just hit me that i was loved. i know i was, in my heart and soul and everywhere else that matters i was. and somewhere somehow that love that was so good and whole just went away. I was good at love, i made it important and i made the person i loved a promise and i kept it. i never strayed and i always showed it even when i wasnt given it and for all the effort and time and passion i gave it didnt matter and it still doesnt cause its gone.
what did i do that i couldnt keep it? i swear i tried. at least i know for a not-so-short while i had love in my heart it felt better than any substance ever could. i weep for anyone that hasnt had this and i weep for myself cause there is no certainty that i will ever love again. right now i dont even love myself. (which is probably an answer to many of my previous questions.) ive lost so many different loves.... friends, family, but this. this is the love i chose for myself it fit me and for a long time we fit together. i had a family, not in the traditional sense but it was my family and i feel like its been forever since ive come home and they arent there. yeah it was just a dog and a man who seem to fit me perfect and they were mine and i would have given anything for them so why is it gone? and why do i feel so empty? i cant believe im letting this out for the world to see but who really reads these things anyway?
im so scared that all the love i have in my heart will never find its rightful owner. i know its suppose to be me but thats a different kind of love and its what i wake up with and fight these demons that i have everyday, but the love in my heart that has no home is something that i know shines so bright and gives endlessly. it comforts and heels and i know there is nothing like it. it hurts me that i have it to give but no one to give it to. i know so many that dont have any love to give or have given it to the wrong people so much its died within them. but mine hasnt. i will never stop showing the people that love me i love them but this love i have that will be reserved for one special person deserves a home only for it....
what did i do that i couldnt keep it? i swear i tried. at least i know for a not-so-short while i had love in my heart it felt better than any substance ever could. i weep for anyone that hasnt had this and i weep for myself cause there is no certainty that i will ever love again. right now i dont even love myself. (which is probably an answer to many of my previous questions.) ive lost so many different loves.... friends, family, but this. this is the love i chose for myself it fit me and for a long time we fit together. i had a family, not in the traditional sense but it was my family and i feel like its been forever since ive come home and they arent there. yeah it was just a dog and a man who seem to fit me perfect and they were mine and i would have given anything for them so why is it gone? and why do i feel so empty? i cant believe im letting this out for the world to see but who really reads these things anyway?
im so scared that all the love i have in my heart will never find its rightful owner. i know its suppose to be me but thats a different kind of love and its what i wake up with and fight these demons that i have everyday, but the love in my heart that has no home is something that i know shines so bright and gives endlessly. it comforts and heels and i know there is nothing like it. it hurts me that i have it to give but no one to give it to. i know so many that dont have any love to give or have given it to the wrong people so much its died within them. but mine hasnt. i will never stop showing the people that love me i love them but this love i have that will be reserved for one special person deserves a home only for it....
Sunday, August 16, 2009
EPIPHANY (Usually happens with breakups, well heres mine)
....so ive had one. Like a real one. First im going to start off by saying i have made some poor decisions these past few days. possibly ruined some relationships, definitely caused some bodily harm, said some things i meant or didnt mean but felt good saying it anyway, you know the basic break up stuff. BUT the epiphany is that i think i do all these things because i want to be heard....NO not heard i want to be listened to and felt like what im saying is important to the one listening. The problem is I feel lonely so much of the time i dont want to say things cause i dont think anyone wants to hear what i have to say i guess i could have simply said i feel like no ones listening and if they are, i shouldnt be saying anything cause im burdening them with my bullshit...i either feel like people listen cause they dont want to be mean or i feel people think i have an agenda and cant take what im saying as the truth cause im being frank, just some way to get what i want by being blunt or i find myself holding back cause im scared of the reaction of the truth or my opinion, or perception its seems impossible for most people to not be synical and for me not to be scared of them being synical.
I have been attracted to or attracting these people, men i mean that are inherently selfish. some know it, some dont and for most its not their faults but selfish is as selfish does. (yeah i said it!) the way this relates to me is that i am a pleaser, I want to please, i want to make people happy, i want to be the martyr i cant say its a good thing cause i cant blame these people for my wanting to provide whatever they need when they need it and i cant blame them for taking advantage of it. who wouldnt want someone to make you feel extremely wanted. the really bad part is that most of the time im not doing things for these people because i want them to feel good, well sometimes thats the reason i love to see someone get what they deserve if they are deserving but i know that sometimes i am doing it because i know it will make them like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i dont know if thats the personality i want to show or the "real" me
(whatever that is) and im not sure i am good enough just in general. i know everyone says why does that matter....well it masters to me. im my heart i know i would take a beating to stop someone i love from not feeling a small amount of pain or worry.
the problem with this is that now its just me im single. before i knew if i was feeling like no one was listening i had someone at home that would (even if he didnt want to he was commited to paying attention to me and that made me feel safe.) i dont have anyone to please and martyr myself for anymore. and he loved me and thats gone too. even knowing he still loves me is terrible cause i want to comfort him and make him feel like like this isnt a cold hard world where people are so quick to leave you high and dry. even he already feels that way i dont want to be the one to prove him right
i guess to round this up im taking responsibility for my happiness. if im not happy its no ones fault but my own and if i have something to say i should just say it
(within reason of course i dont want to be that asshole with an unwarranted opinion to share). i know this is self help 101 stuff but what can i say i'm a slow learner
the solution for me right now is take some advice for some wonderful friends and just stop feeling guilty and sorry for everything that i cant fix. even if its something in my life. at least i think thats what they're telling me. i guess the point is that i need to break a cycle. first stop hurting myself physically and emotionally and except that the people that love me will love me whether they can get something for them in some way or the other. i have to start believing that i am worthy of real love. and eventually ill find it even it just from myself . hopefully i will learn to be in love once i love myself. hopefully ill live that long and hopefully i wont be my usual stubborn self and not take my own advice. (i'm famous for that you know) if i commit to change maybe its possible. not that i can say this from experience but ive promised myself im going to try. my life has to mean something and if i dont start making something of it now i will just waste more time and the time i have wasted is enough for a lifetime.
I have been attracted to or attracting these people, men i mean that are inherently selfish. some know it, some dont and for most its not their faults but selfish is as selfish does. (yeah i said it!) the way this relates to me is that i am a pleaser, I want to please, i want to make people happy, i want to be the martyr i cant say its a good thing cause i cant blame these people for my wanting to provide whatever they need when they need it and i cant blame them for taking advantage of it. who wouldnt want someone to make you feel extremely wanted. the really bad part is that most of the time im not doing things for these people because i want them to feel good, well sometimes thats the reason i love to see someone get what they deserve if they are deserving but i know that sometimes i am doing it because i know it will make them like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i dont know if thats the personality i want to show or the "real" me
(whatever that is) and im not sure i am good enough just in general. i know everyone says why does that matter....well it masters to me. im my heart i know i would take a beating to stop someone i love from not feeling a small amount of pain or worry.
the problem with this is that now its just me im single. before i knew if i was feeling like no one was listening i had someone at home that would (even if he didnt want to he was commited to paying attention to me and that made me feel safe.) i dont have anyone to please and martyr myself for anymore. and he loved me and thats gone too. even knowing he still loves me is terrible cause i want to comfort him and make him feel like like this isnt a cold hard world where people are so quick to leave you high and dry. even he already feels that way i dont want to be the one to prove him right
i guess to round this up im taking responsibility for my happiness. if im not happy its no ones fault but my own and if i have something to say i should just say it
(within reason of course i dont want to be that asshole with an unwarranted opinion to share). i know this is self help 101 stuff but what can i say i'm a slow learner
the solution for me right now is take some advice for some wonderful friends and just stop feeling guilty and sorry for everything that i cant fix. even if its something in my life. at least i think thats what they're telling me. i guess the point is that i need to break a cycle. first stop hurting myself physically and emotionally and except that the people that love me will love me whether they can get something for them in some way or the other. i have to start believing that i am worthy of real love. and eventually ill find it even it just from myself . hopefully i will learn to be in love once i love myself. hopefully ill live that long and hopefully i wont be my usual stubborn self and not take my own advice. (i'm famous for that you know) if i commit to change maybe its possible. not that i can say this from experience but ive promised myself im going to try. my life has to mean something and if i dont start making something of it now i will just waste more time and the time i have wasted is enough for a lifetime.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I AM FUCKING PATHETIC
you know what else i can do??? stop bitching and fucking get over it, this was no surprise. i cant believe im letting something like this hurt me with all the other crap i have been through i mean ive been punched square in the face like i was trying steal his wallet and i did nothing. I am going to wake up tomorrow and see what tomorrow will bring me. I'm going to pray it brings me some peace of mind and maybe a little fun, a good friend to share some laughs with. I'm not picky and I dont think i deserve anything spectacular im no where near perfect, but im loving and generous. I treat people with respect and I dont believe in holding onto emotions or lieing to make yourself look like someone your not. TO be honest i think im being self indulgent and just plain silly for writing this blog. Why would I believe that I am so self important that people will want to read what I think im contributting to this world or relationships I have. Maybe its helping me some. I do lack a certain amount of confidence so I really dont believe people want to hear what I want to say. I don't think I have anything smart enough to warrant a reaction and I generally don't want the reaction. I am going to say something....im afraid of death and all but really sometimes i dont want to wake up. No one will have to worry about me, and maybe theres a chance this pain in the pit of my stomach since i can remember will go away. I just want a little happiness. Something I can trust in. I promise I won't take it for granted. I want to trust myself. If i can't have just a little of these things how can I go on??? i dont want to be one of those people always searching and settling. I want the real thing....i want to feel complete then find someone to share that completeness with. I never thought i deserved kids like im to selfish or something but I would like to love something so completely nothing can kill it. You can't love a man like that cause then u fuck his friend cause his dicks bigger and suddenly he don't make you complete
anymore but with a child, that love grows stronger everyday and if you can have a relationship that you can share the experience of raising a human to be compassionate and smart with common sense and respect. Thats a bond that should never be broken.
What am I even talking about??? Let me get straight what I just preached about "loving myself enough to love someone else completely and enough to have kids with them that grow up to be happy and healthy" yeah i gotta go to bed im apparently dream blogging.....
anymore but with a child, that love grows stronger everyday and if you can have a relationship that you can share the experience of raising a human to be compassionate and smart with common sense and respect. Thats a bond that should never be broken.
What am I even talking about??? Let me get straight what I just preached about "loving myself enough to love someone else completely and enough to have kids with them that grow up to be happy and healthy" yeah i gotta go to bed im apparently dream blogging.....
Ouch...this pain is killing me
....so the pain has set in and is apparently here to stay. I am struggling! i have enough depression issues maybe relationships arent something i can be good at. I try to hard or not enough, i never when i should hold back or give my all. everytime i have given my all i ended up with more than a broken heart my soul felt crushed. its not so much the same this time cause i know its been over and this has been coming but im not prepared for all this change. im scared to death and i dont know how to even begin to control it. im so tired of crying and hurting, im done with putting my heart out there. so i wasted 10 years, just thinking that makes me sick to my stomach. i dont get men or relationships or myself for that matter so from now on its just me. Im just going to focus on me and the people that love me and show me that i am important. what else can i do???
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