i hate when its right in.....

....right in front of your face and you don't realize it, i just have to let go of the things that are bringing me down and set them free. im not attached to them by blood. i hold my friendships and relationships very dear but i realize when im on the only one trying to holding this pairing together something has to sacrifice and it wont be me.

I'm GROWN....

....I must have my own place to live and be free from under the thumb of my family. Time to grow up. I would like to spend time with my mother but with her there is no talking about anything besides money and how much most she wants and how much she wants me to give her. One problem with that. I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY!!!! Not enough to help her. i cant even afford to get my tooth pulled. I really don't think she cares. It honestly doesn't seem she cares much about 'me at all. I just need distance. When I have people that haven't known me my whole life treating me better than my Mother somethings need to change. I'm going to do with my life what i want to do. I'm going to make a plan and stick to it. I've been working hard to love myself and put my priorities in order and people who don't act like they love or want the best for me or treat me like their personal punching bag are out for me. unless you can love me or treat me as i deserve to be treated can earn back my favor. but with actions not words....

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Doormat

i am gonna face it. im a doormat i spend most of my time doing shit for ppl i think care about me and get nothing in return. wait i take that back i get lots of heartache and resentment. and these assholes think im so satisfied by just getting to be around them. how can so many men be such emotional retards. i know im not perfect but i love with my whole heart and if i care for you theres nothing i wouldnt do for you. so why am i always left waiting for something better to come along. if you could only see that what i could offer u would be all you would ever need. then u would never want for anything else. of course i would like to chalk this up to their loss. but i cant help what my heart wants and when my heart yearns for someone its the equivalent of a mack truck with no brakes, its gonna keep on coming with no stopping. oh well i guess ill suffer once more. its become a way of life. call me the queen of all that is unrequited.

UBER STRESS

I spend so much time trying to help other ppl out but I don't see one person trying to help me out. I think ppl throw the word friendship around like they throw the word love around. Actions speak louder than words and so far I see no real actions from the ppl I do the most for. I think its time I start letting people see what I'm like when I let then fend for themselves....when I start saying no sorry...I can't! surprise surprise I have that ability. I think doormat-me has to go away. Cause I really feel like the person I do the most for thinks I'm his door mat covered up by saying he's always there for me. But I have yet to see him do anything of consequence to help me. The little things he does here n there are small to nil. I like to keep my word but I think my word is gonna have to be NO. I'm stressing myself out for others but doing nothing to help myself. Time for a change!

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6

progress.....

...except the fact that ive had a bronchial infection or some shit i am surely becoming healthier mentally. i don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore and the more i think about it, the act of it seemed ridiculous. not that it didn't seem ridiculous at the time but now it just seems counterproductive and not something that would make me feel better anymore. and i can actually think of things that would make me feel better without being destructive.(i wont lie though i still have a few destructive tricks up my sleeve but i dont feel like they are what will help me any more -wow i never thought i would say that! :)) this is definitely new for me. i cant say ill never feel that way again (i never say never cause that just ensures that it will happen again but im hoping for the best.)
as for my ended relationship im starting to get use to being on my own. i still care for him deeply and love him as my family, after all we shared almost a whole life together. a decade is a long time. but i know that its time to take care of myself and thats not selfish, thats smart. its not even that i dont think he didnt want to take care of me he just didnt know how. we both didnt know how to maintain a healthy relationship. i cant exchange comfort for being IN love and i cant exchange friend/caring love for someone for being IN love either. more importantly i cant love anyone else if im not loving myself. and i sure as shit cant help anyone if im not helping myself. now that im getting over this illness i think ill start back on the exercising that i had slowly started with before i came down with this "swine flu simulator ebola 8.65" LOL! i want to look my best cause i AM beautiful but i could be more beautiful if lost some of this extra weight, i dont need it and its stopping me from being the woman that i want to be. ive lost some weight but i want to make a commitment to it. i can say that with confidence knowing that this is something that i want to commit to cause it will help me be a better person. and it will help me be healthier and thats most important this is the only life i have that i know of and i need to start cherishing it. it can be gone in an instant and theres so much i want to do. i dont want it to end cause i was to lazy to maintain a healthy diet and exercise a few times a week. thats truly a waste and i see that now.
anyway, im feeling more comfortable letting others see the "real "me (whatever that is)some things i know for sure: i know what i like as far as people and who i choose to surround myself with and i know im funny and caring and have the heart the size of Kansas that i wear directly on my sleeve. i know that i dont speak up to spare others feelings and must stop that. i have to protect my feelings too. right now im not so embarrassed about what i have to offer and i realize that it is a lot.and that i am a lot. i have a lot to say and sometimes dont shut up when i should but i also have some great things to say that are meaningful and relevant. i have so many thoughts and ideas that i could use to improve my life and i am smart and clever and i have a lot that i need to start offering myself. ive been shorting myself so many good things that can make my life so much more successful and special in so many ways and again as far as i know this is the only one i got i HAVE TO STOP WASTING IT! and if i do find a special someone then they would be so lucky to have me. i love to love and when im ready to give my heart out again i will do with confidence knowing what i have to offer and have no need to hold back cause im embarrassed something i dont like will come out. whoever i choose to love will love me for me the way i am. if someone wants to love me they have to love all of me. and i would do the same i would take care of that persons heart the same as i would with my own and right now my intention is to never neglect my heart and soul again. for far to long i have suffered at my own hand and now with my own hands i am going to change it. i dont know how long this confidence will last cause ive never had it before(i hope its not fleeting but i believe that it isnt) but i am going to do my best to remind myself that I AM important and loved and that i have so many things to offer the people i love and this world. im sure ill have good days and bad but ive had some good days and i loved them and i want to have more of them until they turn into a good life. i feel hope and its been well never since ive had that feeling truly in my heart. i believe if i stick to a game plan of reminding me to love myself and see the things i am good for instead of the shitty things i tend to focus on the good days will start to outweigh the bad. i know that any of my friends that are reading this are saying "DUH told you so" but i had to come to it on my own. time really does help heal wounds....oh as for the battle scars. i hate that i have constant reminders that i dropped my proverbial basket but ill just have to find a way to make it positive so its not a constant reminder that i had/have a strong ability to go fucking insane. right now im feeling mostly healthy mentally and somewhat healthy physically except this bronchial infection thats slowly going away but hey things will never be perfect. some lessons i am drilling into my head are things will never be perfect and change is inevitable so theres no need for it to wreck me everytime something major changes just cause im scared of the unknown. right now i just want to be the best i can be. really thats all i should have to be. those who love me have to take me for what i am and if you cant then you simply cant love me for me and i dont need anyone like that. i dont need to change the good stuff that i like about me for anyone. if you did want me to change i probably couldnt love you anyway and if thats the case FUCK YOU RIGHT IN UR BLOWHOLE HAHAHA obviously im tired cause that was just silly. well just wanted to give a positive update for anyone that reads this and vent for myself that i am doing better. its just feels good to get it out. I AM HEALING!!! good for me....