Doormat

i am gonna face it. im a doormat i spend most of my time doing shit for ppl i think care about me and get nothing in return. wait i take that back i get lots of heartache and resentment. and these assholes think im so satisfied by just getting to be around them. how can so many men be such emotional retards. i know im not perfect but i love with my whole heart and if i care for you theres nothing i wouldnt do for you. so why am i always left waiting for something better to come along. if you could only see that what i could offer u would be all you would ever need. then u would never want for anything else. of course i would like to chalk this up to their loss. but i cant help what my heart wants and when my heart yearns for someone its the equivalent of a mack truck with no brakes, its gonna keep on coming with no stopping. oh well i guess ill suffer once more. its become a way of life. call me the queen of all that is unrequited.

UBER STRESS

I spend so much time trying to help other ppl out but I don't see one person trying to help me out. I think ppl throw the word friendship around like they throw the word love around. Actions speak louder than words and so far I see no real actions from the ppl I do the most for. I think its time I start letting people see what I'm like when I let then fend for themselves....when I start saying no sorry...I can't! surprise surprise I have that ability. I think doormat-me has to go away. Cause I really feel like the person I do the most for thinks I'm his door mat covered up by saying he's always there for me. But I have yet to see him do anything of consequence to help me. The little things he does here n there are small to nil. I like to keep my word but I think my word is gonna have to be NO. I'm stressing myself out for others but doing nothing to help myself. Time for a change!

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6

progress.....

...except the fact that ive had a bronchial infection or some shit i am surely becoming healthier mentally. i don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore and the more i think about it, the act of it seemed ridiculous. not that it didn't seem ridiculous at the time but now it just seems counterproductive and not something that would make me feel better anymore. and i can actually think of things that would make me feel better without being destructive.(i wont lie though i still have a few destructive tricks up my sleeve but i dont feel like they are what will help me any more -wow i never thought i would say that! :)) this is definitely new for me. i cant say ill never feel that way again (i never say never cause that just ensures that it will happen again but im hoping for the best.)
as for my ended relationship im starting to get use to being on my own. i still care for him deeply and love him as my family, after all we shared almost a whole life together. a decade is a long time. but i know that its time to take care of myself and thats not selfish, thats smart. its not even that i dont think he didnt want to take care of me he just didnt know how. we both didnt know how to maintain a healthy relationship. i cant exchange comfort for being IN love and i cant exchange friend/caring love for someone for being IN love either. more importantly i cant love anyone else if im not loving myself. and i sure as shit cant help anyone if im not helping myself. now that im getting over this illness i think ill start back on the exercising that i had slowly started with before i came down with this "swine flu simulator ebola 8.65" LOL! i want to look my best cause i AM beautiful but i could be more beautiful if lost some of this extra weight, i dont need it and its stopping me from being the woman that i want to be. ive lost some weight but i want to make a commitment to it. i can say that with confidence knowing that this is something that i want to commit to cause it will help me be a better person. and it will help me be healthier and thats most important this is the only life i have that i know of and i need to start cherishing it. it can be gone in an instant and theres so much i want to do. i dont want it to end cause i was to lazy to maintain a healthy diet and exercise a few times a week. thats truly a waste and i see that now.
anyway, im feeling more comfortable letting others see the "real "me (whatever that is)some things i know for sure: i know what i like as far as people and who i choose to surround myself with and i know im funny and caring and have the heart the size of Kansas that i wear directly on my sleeve. i know that i dont speak up to spare others feelings and must stop that. i have to protect my feelings too. right now im not so embarrassed about what i have to offer and i realize that it is a lot.and that i am a lot. i have a lot to say and sometimes dont shut up when i should but i also have some great things to say that are meaningful and relevant. i have so many thoughts and ideas that i could use to improve my life and i am smart and clever and i have a lot that i need to start offering myself. ive been shorting myself so many good things that can make my life so much more successful and special in so many ways and again as far as i know this is the only one i got i HAVE TO STOP WASTING IT! and if i do find a special someone then they would be so lucky to have me. i love to love and when im ready to give my heart out again i will do with confidence knowing what i have to offer and have no need to hold back cause im embarrassed something i dont like will come out. whoever i choose to love will love me for me the way i am. if someone wants to love me they have to love all of me. and i would do the same i would take care of that persons heart the same as i would with my own and right now my intention is to never neglect my heart and soul again. for far to long i have suffered at my own hand and now with my own hands i am going to change it. i dont know how long this confidence will last cause ive never had it before(i hope its not fleeting but i believe that it isnt) but i am going to do my best to remind myself that I AM important and loved and that i have so many things to offer the people i love and this world. im sure ill have good days and bad but ive had some good days and i loved them and i want to have more of them until they turn into a good life. i feel hope and its been well never since ive had that feeling truly in my heart. i believe if i stick to a game plan of reminding me to love myself and see the things i am good for instead of the shitty things i tend to focus on the good days will start to outweigh the bad. i know that any of my friends that are reading this are saying "DUH told you so" but i had to come to it on my own. time really does help heal wounds....oh as for the battle scars. i hate that i have constant reminders that i dropped my proverbial basket but ill just have to find a way to make it positive so its not a constant reminder that i had/have a strong ability to go fucking insane. right now im feeling mostly healthy mentally and somewhat healthy physically except this bronchial infection thats slowly going away but hey things will never be perfect. some lessons i am drilling into my head are things will never be perfect and change is inevitable so theres no need for it to wreck me everytime something major changes just cause im scared of the unknown. right now i just want to be the best i can be. really thats all i should have to be. those who love me have to take me for what i am and if you cant then you simply cant love me for me and i dont need anyone like that. i dont need to change the good stuff that i like about me for anyone. if you did want me to change i probably couldnt love you anyway and if thats the case FUCK YOU RIGHT IN UR BLOWHOLE HAHAHA obviously im tired cause that was just silly. well just wanted to give a positive update for anyone that reads this and vent for myself that i am doing better. its just feels good to get it out. I AM HEALING!!! good for me....

so many questions????

...why was i the one chosen? what made me so "special"? was it cause i was annoying or ugly? or just not what he wanted me to be? i definitely tried to be, i definitely wanted to be. why did i want that and why was it so important to me to be with him that i sacrificed so much? i want it back, all of it. everything i let go for nothing. i didn't even learn anything from it (except how to make excuses for allowing myself to be treated that way)and now years later am i still paying for my ignorance still paying for my shallow wants? i cant even look myself in the mirror. i feel bad for everything and i cant or wont even allow myself to shine cause i hurt so much sometimes i feel like its eating me alive. when is this ever going to end?
these questions are endless...and until they are answered i feel incomplete. like everythings just one big unanswered question weighing so heavy over me i feel as if I'm being crushed. and i cant say that i wouldnt allow this into my life again. i feel like i would welcome it in some self deprecating unconscious way. maybe i think this is only way people show love...to throw it at you and make you suffer for it. i certainly dont understand how to receive love in the way that most do. i seem to fight hand over fist to NOT be loved. im always fighting any help im offered. why its not "helping" and why im still hurting. i just dont understand why anyone would want to care for me this way and i certainly dont deserve any of it. i brought all this pain on myself. save the good, kind love for someone who can appreciate it is what im always thinking. it would just be a waste on me. all i know is that until i can answer a few of these questions i wont be able to continue like a normal person. some of this pain has to be pushed out or at least away before i can move one more step.

mental masturbation of sorts....

i feel numb....i guess this is the part of the breakup where i am suppose to feel this way. not really sure though everyone has their particular advice, which i dont follow and then complain that no one has anything constructive to say. actually im not sure how i feel...is YUCKY a feeling???? life is so uncertain and i was hoping that uncertainty would bring a welcome surprise but turns out, i dont like surprises. i like to know how things are going to happen and when. i know this is impossible in life but this amount of uncertainty is unsettling. makes me feel like a failure for being so unprepared for that inevitable thing which is change. ive never really enjoyed change or handled it very well but never quite this piss poor. i even feel my body changing. i feel like my central nervous system is on high alert like code red type shit!
there are things i am certain of: i like my independence and am not happy without it, i like the company of people i trust (maybe to much), being alone isnt good for me, i refuse to eat out or see a movie alone(i mean arent those social things to do anyway) i love television and the distraction it provides, amd being single has so many advantages but nothing to me can equal the feeling of true love and really theres more but i think thats the important stuff.
on another note i was reading my horoscope and it said somethings that i think are true, even though i try not to give into all that crap. it said that anyone that EARNS my heart is lucky cause im a giver. well that is true i am starting to see what i have to offer instead of all the things that make me feel a burden to anyone who chooses to love me or care to be in my life. there are plenty of physical things that i wont talk about it in such a social setting lets just say im a giver in many ways. but other than that if i care for you realize that i would do anything to ensure that you are happy. i enjoy this yeah im stubborn and sometimes dont take great care of myself but its more important to for me to see someone else happy even for a moment and even at the expense of my own happiness or wants. and this isnt a martyr myself type thing. i truly enjoy the ability to give others joy. i want those who know i am the person that they can call anytime for anything they need and not have to worry about me treating them as an inconvenience or burden. and i cant truly expect this of anyone else towards me but i realize that this need i have to give i have been giving out too freely. i havent been taking into consideration how quickly i can be taken advantage of and how bad that hurts as well as how personally i take it even if it wasnt personal at all.
so whats the conclusion to all this i guess we could say mental masturbation....that i know myself a little more after putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain, and that i have to not give everything i have to anyone just cause it feels good. maybe reserving myself and what i have to offer will bring me more joy than spreading myself thin to so many that dont deserve it or havent earned it. its hard to tell who should be on the receiving end of these things but i have a feeling ill know when i know and hope that intuition and common sense will prevail in most cases. cant say my track record is all that good but a positive attitude can count for a lot...I HOPE!

Memories, i took a look back and found....

...i have so many great memories that i couldnt begin to count them or imagine asking for more. looking through old photos ive realized that there are so many people that i have changed with and watched change. some are gone forever or just moved away, to many are enemies quarreling for reasons i dont even think they know. (i am guilty of this myself.) but right now when everything in my life is changing so drastically and everything feels out of control i cant but help and look at all the memories that i can hold to. that are mine forever and even if the people i shared them with are gone, i still have a small piece of them just for me. we've shared so many parties, birthdays, even celebrations for no reason at all. we just knew each other and loved that we had people to eat, drink, and merry with(i just borrowed it dave).
i feel so much regret of the bad decisions ive made and fear that i hold onto, i wont have any more wonderful moments, hours, even years that brought me and the people i loved so much joy. all i can do is hope i can find a smile and a reason to create just a few more jokes, hugs, kisses, dances, embarrasing moments, and countless other things that kept me going and wanting to wake up in the morning to see whats next. lately all ive heard is "all you have is yourself" and shit like "only you can take care of you" well i dont think thats true cause so many times i simply didnt want to go on and someone made me laugh or told me that whereever i was they were there for me. today was one of those days when i was in so much pain i thought my heart would explode and i reached out to someone very far away and he told me he loved me and i know that he meant it and that i was important to him. even though it sounds insecure sometimes we just need to hear it well at least i do. and i cant be ashamed anymore that i need people, i need to love, i need to share the moments in my life with the people that mean something to me. i am hurting right now and im trying so hard to not show anyone all im doing is letting it take me over and showing everyone. i have to find a way, and it has to be my way. to be honest i dont know what that way is but i guess thats the journey right??? i dont know if in ten mins ill feel completely different and want to cry hysterially and throw myself down a flight of stairs but right now i feel a little peace and it came from just focusing on the times ive shared where i was happy. i know i cant focus on the past too much but i do know i can use to past to help me shape my future. ive tried hurting and not loving myself maybe i could try the other way. maybe i could try to see what others see in me and take a shot at loving what i have to offer the world and the people i love. maybe, just maybe, one day i could love myself enough to love someone else the way i know i could if i just could fill the hole in my heart. either way, just for today i am going to do what i want, what makes me happy and no matter the consequences know that i am doing what makes me happy and that is the only right way to live and it has to start this minute....