RE: LOVE (dont read unless you want to cry or puke...)

...as i lay in bed miserable cause it just hit me that i was loved. i know i was, in my heart and soul and everywhere else that matters i was. and somewhere somehow that love that was so good and whole just went away. I was good at love, i made it important and i made the person i loved a promise and i kept it. i never strayed and i always showed it even when i wasnt given it and for all the effort and time and passion i gave it didnt matter and it still doesnt cause its gone.
what did i do that i couldnt keep it? i swear i tried. at least i know for a not-so-short while i had love in my heart it felt better than any substance ever could. i weep for anyone that hasnt had this and i weep for myself cause there is no certainty that i will ever love again. right now i dont even love myself. (which is probably an answer to many of my previous questions.) ive lost so many different loves.... friends, family, but this. this is the love i chose for myself it fit me and for a long time we fit together. i had a family, not in the traditional sense but it was my family and i feel like its been forever since ive come home and they arent there. yeah it was just a dog and a man who seem to fit me perfect and they were mine and i would have given anything for them so why is it gone? and why do i feel so empty? i cant believe im letting this out for the world to see but who really reads these things anyway?
im so scared that all the love i have in my heart will never find its rightful owner. i know its suppose to be me but thats a different kind of love and its what i wake up with and fight these demons that i have everyday, but the love in my heart that has no home is something that i know shines so bright and gives endlessly. it comforts and heels and i know there is nothing like it. it hurts me that i have it to give but no one to give it to. i know so many that dont have any love to give or have given it to the wrong people so much its died within them. but mine hasnt. i will never stop showing the people that love me i love them but this love i have that will be reserved for one special person deserves a home only for it....

EPIPHANY (Usually happens with breakups, well heres mine)

....so ive had one. Like a real one. First im going to start off by saying i have made some poor decisions these past few days. possibly ruined some relationships, definitely caused some bodily harm, said some things i meant or didnt mean but felt good saying it anyway, you know the basic break up stuff. BUT the epiphany is that i think i do all these things because i want to be heard....NO not heard i want to be listened to and felt like what im saying is important to the one listening. The problem is I feel lonely so much of the time i dont want to say things cause i dont think anyone wants to hear what i have to say i guess i could have simply said i feel like no ones listening and if they are, i shouldnt be saying anything cause im burdening them with my bullshit...i either feel like people listen cause they dont want to be mean or i feel people think i have an agenda and cant take what im saying as the truth cause im being frank, just some way to get what i want by being blunt or i find myself holding back cause im scared of the reaction of the truth or my opinion, or perception its seems impossible for most people to not be synical and for me not to be scared of them being synical.
I have been attracted to or attracting these people, men i mean that are inherently selfish. some know it, some dont and for most its not their faults but selfish is as selfish does. (yeah i said it!) the way this relates to me is that i am a pleaser, I want to please, i want to make people happy, i want to be the martyr i cant say its a good thing cause i cant blame these people for my wanting to provide whatever they need when they need it and i cant blame them for taking advantage of it. who wouldnt want someone to make you feel extremely wanted. the really bad part is that most of the time im not doing things for these people because i want them to feel good, well sometimes thats the reason i love to see someone get what they deserve if they are deserving but i know that sometimes i am doing it because i know it will make them like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i dont know if thats the personality i want to show or the "real" me
(whatever that is) and im not sure i am good enough just in general. i know everyone says why does that matter....well it masters to me. im my heart i know i would take a beating to stop someone i love from not feeling a small amount of pain or worry.
the problem with this is that now its just me im single. before i knew if i was feeling like no one was listening i had someone at home that would (even if he didnt want to he was commited to paying attention to me and that made me feel safe.) i dont have anyone to please and martyr myself for anymore. and he loved me and thats gone too. even knowing he still loves me is terrible cause i want to comfort him and make him feel like like this isnt a cold hard world where people are so quick to leave you high and dry. even he already feels that way i dont want to be the one to prove him right
i guess to round this up im taking responsibility for my happiness. if im not happy its no ones fault but my own and if i have something to say i should just say it
(within reason of course i dont want to be that asshole with an unwarranted opinion to share). i know this is self help 101 stuff but what can i say i'm a slow learner


the solution for me right now is take some advice for some wonderful friends and just stop feeling guilty and sorry for everything that i cant fix. even if its something in my life. at least i think thats what they're telling me. i guess the point is that i need to break a cycle. first stop hurting myself physically and emotionally and except that the people that love me will love me whether they can get something for them in some way or the other. i have to start believing that i am worthy of real love. and eventually ill find it even it just from myself . hopefully i will learn to be in love once i love myself. hopefully ill live that long and hopefully i wont be my usual stubborn self and not take my own advice. (i'm famous for that you know) if i commit to change maybe its possible. not that i can say this from experience but ive promised myself im going to try. my life has to mean something and if i dont start making something of it now i will just waste more time and the time i have wasted is enough for a lifetime.

I AM FUCKING PATHETIC

you know what else i can do??? stop bitching and fucking get over it, this was no surprise. i cant believe im letting something like this hurt me with all the other crap i have been through i mean ive been punched square in the face like i was trying steal his wallet and i did nothing. I am going to wake up tomorrow and see what tomorrow will bring me. I'm going to pray it brings me some peace of mind and maybe a little fun, a good friend to share some laughs with. I'm not picky and I dont think i deserve anything spectacular im no where near perfect, but im loving and generous. I treat people with respect and I dont believe in holding onto emotions or lieing to make yourself look like someone your not. TO be honest i think im being self indulgent and just plain silly for writing this blog. Why would I believe that I am so self important that people will want to read what I think im contributting to this world or relationships I have. Maybe its helping me some. I do lack a certain amount of confidence so I really dont believe people want to hear what I want to say. I don't think I have anything smart enough to warrant a reaction and I generally don't want the reaction. I am going to say something....im afraid of death and all but really sometimes i dont want to wake up. No one will have to worry about me, and maybe theres a chance this pain in the pit of my stomach since i can remember will go away. I just want a little happiness. Something I can trust in. I promise I won't take it for granted. I want to trust myself. If i can't have just a little of these things how can I go on??? i dont want to be one of those people always searching and settling. I want the real thing....i want to feel complete then find someone to share that completeness with. I never thought i deserved kids like im to selfish or something but I would like to love something so completely nothing can kill it. You can't love a man like that cause then u fuck his friend cause his dicks bigger and suddenly he don't make you complete
anymore but with a child, that love grows stronger everyday and if you can have a relationship that you can share the experience of raising a human to be compassionate and smart with common sense and respect. Thats a bond that should never be broken.
What am I even talking about??? Let me get straight what I just preached about "loving myself enough to love someone else completely and enough to have kids with them that grow up to be happy and healthy" yeah i gotta go to bed im apparently dream blogging.....

Ouch...this pain is killing me

....so the pain has set in and is apparently here to stay. I am struggling! i have enough depression issues maybe relationships arent something i can be good at. I try to hard or not enough, i never when i should hold back or give my all. everytime i have given my all i ended up with more than a broken heart my soul felt crushed. its not so much the same this time cause i know its been over and this has been coming but im not prepared for all this change. im scared to death and i dont know how to even begin to control it. im so tired of crying and hurting, im done with putting my heart out there. so i wasted 10 years, just thinking that makes me sick to my stomach. i dont get men or relationships or myself for that matter so from now on its just me. Im just going to focus on me and the people that love me and show me that i am important. what else can i do???

ITS OVER!!!

Hes drunk and unmotivated and I am DONE!!! I've tried, I swear I have but he doesn't love himself and refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his own life so I must move on. I know I am not the skinniest most beautiful person in the world but I have a good heart and I try to make him feel wanted and important, but if he doesn't want to try to make something of himself then I can't fight this losing battle anymore. I don't know if this means I will be alone or what but I know that I can do bad on my own. I have worked hard to get where I am right now and I thought we were on the same page but I will not wallow in someone else's self pity. and I definitely refuse to be with a drunk. and all this is because we couldn't celebrate his birthday on the actual day. maybe if he hadn't got fired twice in a month we would have been able to have a celebration but instead I had to work to pay rent which we are still behind on. since then I have been working even more. If hes mad cause I went to a concert. the same concert I have been going to for 10 years then he can fuck off. I worked hard to get that little bit of time off while still paying bills and expenses. Hes not a man, hes a little boy looking for someone to take care of him. His own Mom is done with that job. I am moving on with my life. Whatever that means thats what I'm doing. Anything must be better than what I have right now 10 years is long enough to waste on someone who won't even help themself.

I am done with this nonsense!!!!

So I go out tonight and have a perfectly good time. I worked overtime all week so this weekend I could go to see Dave Matthews which I have done every year for the past ten years. I come home to my boyfriend picking a fight with me because he said I didn't do anything for his birthday. Now I totally would have done something except he got fired from 2 different jobs in less than a month and I have to work to pay the rent. So sorry I didn't have money to buy you a video game or take you to dinner when I have been barely eating myself. We even agreed that we would do something once we got caught up on bills. and I have been secretly planning something for next month so he wouldn't feel like I forgot. But because I haven't mentioned to him what I'm planning he assumes its nothing and acts like a dick. Throwing in my face how he helped me this year Which happens quite frequently when I was getting off pain meds and doing something better for myself...I thought. Now I don't want to do shit for his birthday. For someone that has no ambition and barely ever gives me any affection he expects me to act like a doting, loving girlfriend. Well that went out the window a few years ago. We have been together nearly 10 years and this is obviously going nowhere slow. Basically we are roomates. This is not the relationship I wanted needless to say not the one I dreamed of, it is simply NOT a healthy relationship. I need to just get off my ass and end it. I have options if I apply myself, I think I could go farther in my life if I wasn't worried about making HIM feel emasculated. Fuck him he didn't worry about me when he said I was annoying because I wanted an answer to my question or for him to just explain himself plus the countless other hurtful things he said. He says whatever he wants having no remorse and having no regard for how it may make me feel. Maybe I should start throwing low blows like he can barely get it up and when he does it only lasts a few mins "If i'm lucky". If he goes down on me its like watching paint dry. I could finish myself off easier and not have to worry about him poking around down there like hes looking for his house keys. I would say car keys but he doesn't even drive. I might as well be alone cause I am just as lonely and not even close to being fulfilled. I don't even feel the love I once did. This relationship is pointless. I've been losing weight not that he says it bothers him but the sex im not getting makes me think otherwise. I am just sick of it all. I could be single and then I could at least have random sex or at least have an excuse not to have sex. If I don't get some physical contact soon I don't know what I'm going to do. HELP!!!!! I am not saying I'm perfect in any way but I am a kind person, I tell it like it is, I respect my fellow human being, and I have lots of great qualities that I'm sure someone would appreciate. Why am I wasting my time on someone that refuses to grow up and treat me like I'm never going anywhere???? I know what to do but the follow through seems impossible.

RESPECT

So I know im always bitchin about work and rude people but its getting worse I think. FYI for people that frequently have lunch at a restaurant on their lunch hour or people that want to have meetings while having lunch. Just like you are working this is OUR place of business too. If you are sitting there for 3 hours thats taking money out of our pockets taking up the table just for you. Nothing in this world is free, if you are going to take up a table for that long at least leave the expected 20% plus more for taking up the table for what could have been more tables. We do this for tips. We only make about $2.75+tips then from our tips we have to tip out the busboys, bartenders, food runners, etc. So if you leave us under 10% we lose money essentially paying for you to eat. Now that just doesn't seem fair. Have a little compassion for for your fellow human being. Say hello to a stranger in the street or the bus driver that you see everyday going to work.
On one other note....BLACK PEOPLE listen to this. If you think its discrimination that you don't always get treated well in restaurants let me tell you why. First, a good 60% of you tip like we still live in the 50's if you don't dine out regularly dine out with a friend who does so you can learn the etiquette of eating out before trying it on your own 10% is NOT acceptable and its insulting to the person that has went out of their way to serve you food with a smile, Second stop with the separate checks be an adult and bring cash when you eat out and if you can't we can split the check amounts evenly for each card, splitting the check is a pain in the ass as well as confusing we have so many checks to deal with in a shift we don't need 1 table w/ 5 separate receipts. Keep it simple, Lastly if you have children under the age of 6 ORDER FOR THEM. Yes little "Johnny does need to know how to conduct himself in a restaurant but we are busy. To busy for Johnny to first try to read through a menu he doesn't understand and then tell us in words we probably don't understand. I guess the moral of this whole rant is to use some common sense and treat people like you would want to be treated at your place of business or just walking through life. Treat people how you would like to be treated its good for the soul.