37 weeks...almost there

so here i am almost ready to pop this little guy out. still so excited to meet him and be his mommy. feeling lonely and scared at the prospect of being a single mom and i do mean SINGLE but doing it myself is much better than trying to do this with a serious mentally unstable selfish person. i know im gonna miss being pregnant and having baby Carter kick and tussle around inside me but i know theres gonna me so much more to experience once hes here. i hope im good at this whole parenting thing. i know im gonna do the best i can plus some! WHEW here we go...im gonna be a Mommy :)

Baby on board

So im 14 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Very happy at the prospect of becoming a mother. My body changes just about everyday I feel little movements and its nothing short of amazing. I can't wait to meet my little person I hope that I'm creating a good enviroment for my lil one but its difficult I am doing my best though I am so in love with this little creature I feel myself changing emotionally nothing seems as important as having a healthy baby. I wanted to begin a family with the person I've created this life with and love tremendously but mental illness and distress is making that difficult I am hoping for the best but being realistic I have to take care of my baby...I cant help someone who wont help themself. Have a tummy buldge and my boobs are enormous cant wait to have a bigger belly but im sure i will regret saying that LOL off to bed give US some rest

im here...

your the grownup your suppose to teach me reason and accountabiliy
instead i feel always on a mission to try and reach your humanity
be my daddy
remember when that was important
remember what that meant
you were suppose to be my security
protect me even from myself
but instead you allowed your agenda to take reign
making your rules insane and my trust fleeting
yes have had a brief meeting
but i felt no closer to you than a lonely stranger
in my heart i feel the danger
the catastrophe if goodbyes arent said and glances of love arent met
my faith is shaky but still ill pray hoping your well
let our love flourish once again please
little girls need their daddy
please release this curse let me come to you
i promise i wont cuss or argue
the past is long gone ive blocked it out
i have no clue dont know why we are here
i promise ill be your lil girl again
please just met my daddy appear

brand new....

my heart got a lil bigger
feelings i thought were lost to youth
crushes and giggles, warmth inside, butterflies dancing from stomach to head
thoughts of love only flickered and now the possibilty
oh the possibility...
scared of the brokeness im all to familiar with
unsure if i can bare to chance pain again
just becoming familar with the thought that my beauty was unseen
but no longer, please no longer
i feel maybe i should run....keep distance, self preservation
but what if i didnt get hurt, what if beauty was something he sees
and i was someone he didnt just leave
for now ill just close my eyes and remember tonight i was held close and felt his warmth
soft lips against mine leaving wanting more, felt like magnets in our eyes
magical sight
so tonight when i close my eyes i wont be in pain wont be frightened wont be ashamed
dont know about tomorrow morning or night
ill have this just for tonight....

I'm weary....

tears to dream
only to wake to tears.
again and again
sometimes i feel my heart growing stronger
but those times are fleeting and followed by stronger times of pain and hurt
ive been hurt by those ive known for so long i thought they couldnt hurt me but they did and harder and so unexpected
ive been hurt in short times by people whose words seemed so real that it almost seemed that they knew what i was feeling directly inside only to realize that those words were being used for some reason or another mostly to use me or my body for their pleasures
is trust something bought by fools cause right now i feel a fool i dont feel i can trust anyone fully
everyone hurts you at some point
even your family, your closest friends, strangers they are all hurt you and even yourself
i hurt myself to stop the pain inflicted by others
im tired of hurting, im tired of being used for the nothing i even have
just once i want to be loved or even cared for wholly, just for me because of me maybe thats just a fleeting thought too
maybe i dont deserve it who knows these things, but i am tired.
almost too tired.

i hate when its right in.....

....right in front of your face and you don't realize it, i just have to let go of the things that are bringing me down and set them free. im not attached to them by blood. i hold my friendships and relationships very dear but i realize when im on the only one trying to holding this pairing together something has to sacrifice and it wont be me.

I'm GROWN....

....I must have my own place to live and be free from under the thumb of my family. Time to grow up. I would like to spend time with my mother but with her there is no talking about anything besides money and how much most she wants and how much she wants me to give her. One problem with that. I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY!!!! Not enough to help her. i cant even afford to get my tooth pulled. I really don't think she cares. It honestly doesn't seem she cares much about 'me at all. I just need distance. When I have people that haven't known me my whole life treating me better than my Mother somethings need to change. I'm going to do with my life what i want to do. I'm going to make a plan and stick to it. I've been working hard to love myself and put my priorities in order and people who don't act like they love or want the best for me or treat me like their personal punching bag are out for me. unless you can love me or treat me as i deserve to be treated can earn back my favor. but with actions not words....

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Doormat

i am gonna face it. im a doormat i spend most of my time doing shit for ppl i think care about me and get nothing in return. wait i take that back i get lots of heartache and resentment. and these assholes think im so satisfied by just getting to be around them. how can so many men be such emotional retards. i know im not perfect but i love with my whole heart and if i care for you theres nothing i wouldnt do for you. so why am i always left waiting for something better to come along. if you could only see that what i could offer u would be all you would ever need. then u would never want for anything else. of course i would like to chalk this up to their loss. but i cant help what my heart wants and when my heart yearns for someone its the equivalent of a mack truck with no brakes, its gonna keep on coming with no stopping. oh well i guess ill suffer once more. its become a way of life. call me the queen of all that is unrequited.

UBER STRESS

I spend so much time trying to help other ppl out but I don't see one person trying to help me out. I think ppl throw the word friendship around like they throw the word love around. Actions speak louder than words and so far I see no real actions from the ppl I do the most for. I think its time I start letting people see what I'm like when I let then fend for themselves....when I start saying no sorry...I can't! surprise surprise I have that ability. I think doormat-me has to go away. Cause I really feel like the person I do the most for thinks I'm his door mat covered up by saying he's always there for me. But I have yet to see him do anything of consequence to help me. The little things he does here n there are small to nil. I like to keep my word but I think my word is gonna have to be NO. I'm stressing myself out for others but doing nothing to help myself. Time for a change!

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.6

progress.....

...except the fact that ive had a bronchial infection or some shit i am surely becoming healthier mentally. i don't feel the need to hurt myself anymore and the more i think about it, the act of it seemed ridiculous. not that it didn't seem ridiculous at the time but now it just seems counterproductive and not something that would make me feel better anymore. and i can actually think of things that would make me feel better without being destructive.(i wont lie though i still have a few destructive tricks up my sleeve but i dont feel like they are what will help me any more -wow i never thought i would say that! :)) this is definitely new for me. i cant say ill never feel that way again (i never say never cause that just ensures that it will happen again but im hoping for the best.)
as for my ended relationship im starting to get use to being on my own. i still care for him deeply and love him as my family, after all we shared almost a whole life together. a decade is a long time. but i know that its time to take care of myself and thats not selfish, thats smart. its not even that i dont think he didnt want to take care of me he just didnt know how. we both didnt know how to maintain a healthy relationship. i cant exchange comfort for being IN love and i cant exchange friend/caring love for someone for being IN love either. more importantly i cant love anyone else if im not loving myself. and i sure as shit cant help anyone if im not helping myself. now that im getting over this illness i think ill start back on the exercising that i had slowly started with before i came down with this "swine flu simulator ebola 8.65" LOL! i want to look my best cause i AM beautiful but i could be more beautiful if lost some of this extra weight, i dont need it and its stopping me from being the woman that i want to be. ive lost some weight but i want to make a commitment to it. i can say that with confidence knowing that this is something that i want to commit to cause it will help me be a better person. and it will help me be healthier and thats most important this is the only life i have that i know of and i need to start cherishing it. it can be gone in an instant and theres so much i want to do. i dont want it to end cause i was to lazy to maintain a healthy diet and exercise a few times a week. thats truly a waste and i see that now.
anyway, im feeling more comfortable letting others see the "real "me (whatever that is)some things i know for sure: i know what i like as far as people and who i choose to surround myself with and i know im funny and caring and have the heart the size of Kansas that i wear directly on my sleeve. i know that i dont speak up to spare others feelings and must stop that. i have to protect my feelings too. right now im not so embarrassed about what i have to offer and i realize that it is a lot.and that i am a lot. i have a lot to say and sometimes dont shut up when i should but i also have some great things to say that are meaningful and relevant. i have so many thoughts and ideas that i could use to improve my life and i am smart and clever and i have a lot that i need to start offering myself. ive been shorting myself so many good things that can make my life so much more successful and special in so many ways and again as far as i know this is the only one i got i HAVE TO STOP WASTING IT! and if i do find a special someone then they would be so lucky to have me. i love to love and when im ready to give my heart out again i will do with confidence knowing what i have to offer and have no need to hold back cause im embarrassed something i dont like will come out. whoever i choose to love will love me for me the way i am. if someone wants to love me they have to love all of me. and i would do the same i would take care of that persons heart the same as i would with my own and right now my intention is to never neglect my heart and soul again. for far to long i have suffered at my own hand and now with my own hands i am going to change it. i dont know how long this confidence will last cause ive never had it before(i hope its not fleeting but i believe that it isnt) but i am going to do my best to remind myself that I AM important and loved and that i have so many things to offer the people i love and this world. im sure ill have good days and bad but ive had some good days and i loved them and i want to have more of them until they turn into a good life. i feel hope and its been well never since ive had that feeling truly in my heart. i believe if i stick to a game plan of reminding me to love myself and see the things i am good for instead of the shitty things i tend to focus on the good days will start to outweigh the bad. i know that any of my friends that are reading this are saying "DUH told you so" but i had to come to it on my own. time really does help heal wounds....oh as for the battle scars. i hate that i have constant reminders that i dropped my proverbial basket but ill just have to find a way to make it positive so its not a constant reminder that i had/have a strong ability to go fucking insane. right now im feeling mostly healthy mentally and somewhat healthy physically except this bronchial infection thats slowly going away but hey things will never be perfect. some lessons i am drilling into my head are things will never be perfect and change is inevitable so theres no need for it to wreck me everytime something major changes just cause im scared of the unknown. right now i just want to be the best i can be. really thats all i should have to be. those who love me have to take me for what i am and if you cant then you simply cant love me for me and i dont need anyone like that. i dont need to change the good stuff that i like about me for anyone. if you did want me to change i probably couldnt love you anyway and if thats the case FUCK YOU RIGHT IN UR BLOWHOLE HAHAHA obviously im tired cause that was just silly. well just wanted to give a positive update for anyone that reads this and vent for myself that i am doing better. its just feels good to get it out. I AM HEALING!!! good for me....

so many questions????

...why was i the one chosen? what made me so "special"? was it cause i was annoying or ugly? or just not what he wanted me to be? i definitely tried to be, i definitely wanted to be. why did i want that and why was it so important to me to be with him that i sacrificed so much? i want it back, all of it. everything i let go for nothing. i didn't even learn anything from it (except how to make excuses for allowing myself to be treated that way)and now years later am i still paying for my ignorance still paying for my shallow wants? i cant even look myself in the mirror. i feel bad for everything and i cant or wont even allow myself to shine cause i hurt so much sometimes i feel like its eating me alive. when is this ever going to end?
these questions are endless...and until they are answered i feel incomplete. like everythings just one big unanswered question weighing so heavy over me i feel as if I'm being crushed. and i cant say that i wouldnt allow this into my life again. i feel like i would welcome it in some self deprecating unconscious way. maybe i think this is only way people show love...to throw it at you and make you suffer for it. i certainly dont understand how to receive love in the way that most do. i seem to fight hand over fist to NOT be loved. im always fighting any help im offered. why its not "helping" and why im still hurting. i just dont understand why anyone would want to care for me this way and i certainly dont deserve any of it. i brought all this pain on myself. save the good, kind love for someone who can appreciate it is what im always thinking. it would just be a waste on me. all i know is that until i can answer a few of these questions i wont be able to continue like a normal person. some of this pain has to be pushed out or at least away before i can move one more step.

mental masturbation of sorts....

i feel numb....i guess this is the part of the breakup where i am suppose to feel this way. not really sure though everyone has their particular advice, which i dont follow and then complain that no one has anything constructive to say. actually im not sure how i feel...is YUCKY a feeling???? life is so uncertain and i was hoping that uncertainty would bring a welcome surprise but turns out, i dont like surprises. i like to know how things are going to happen and when. i know this is impossible in life but this amount of uncertainty is unsettling. makes me feel like a failure for being so unprepared for that inevitable thing which is change. ive never really enjoyed change or handled it very well but never quite this piss poor. i even feel my body changing. i feel like my central nervous system is on high alert like code red type shit!
there are things i am certain of: i like my independence and am not happy without it, i like the company of people i trust (maybe to much), being alone isnt good for me, i refuse to eat out or see a movie alone(i mean arent those social things to do anyway) i love television and the distraction it provides, amd being single has so many advantages but nothing to me can equal the feeling of true love and really theres more but i think thats the important stuff.
on another note i was reading my horoscope and it said somethings that i think are true, even though i try not to give into all that crap. it said that anyone that EARNS my heart is lucky cause im a giver. well that is true i am starting to see what i have to offer instead of all the things that make me feel a burden to anyone who chooses to love me or care to be in my life. there are plenty of physical things that i wont talk about it in such a social setting lets just say im a giver in many ways. but other than that if i care for you realize that i would do anything to ensure that you are happy. i enjoy this yeah im stubborn and sometimes dont take great care of myself but its more important to for me to see someone else happy even for a moment and even at the expense of my own happiness or wants. and this isnt a martyr myself type thing. i truly enjoy the ability to give others joy. i want those who know i am the person that they can call anytime for anything they need and not have to worry about me treating them as an inconvenience or burden. and i cant truly expect this of anyone else towards me but i realize that this need i have to give i have been giving out too freely. i havent been taking into consideration how quickly i can be taken advantage of and how bad that hurts as well as how personally i take it even if it wasnt personal at all.
so whats the conclusion to all this i guess we could say mental masturbation....that i know myself a little more after putting myself through a lot of unnecessary pain, and that i have to not give everything i have to anyone just cause it feels good. maybe reserving myself and what i have to offer will bring me more joy than spreading myself thin to so many that dont deserve it or havent earned it. its hard to tell who should be on the receiving end of these things but i have a feeling ill know when i know and hope that intuition and common sense will prevail in most cases. cant say my track record is all that good but a positive attitude can count for a lot...I HOPE!

Memories, i took a look back and found....

...i have so many great memories that i couldnt begin to count them or imagine asking for more. looking through old photos ive realized that there are so many people that i have changed with and watched change. some are gone forever or just moved away, to many are enemies quarreling for reasons i dont even think they know. (i am guilty of this myself.) but right now when everything in my life is changing so drastically and everything feels out of control i cant but help and look at all the memories that i can hold to. that are mine forever and even if the people i shared them with are gone, i still have a small piece of them just for me. we've shared so many parties, birthdays, even celebrations for no reason at all. we just knew each other and loved that we had people to eat, drink, and merry with(i just borrowed it dave).
i feel so much regret of the bad decisions ive made and fear that i hold onto, i wont have any more wonderful moments, hours, even years that brought me and the people i loved so much joy. all i can do is hope i can find a smile and a reason to create just a few more jokes, hugs, kisses, dances, embarrasing moments, and countless other things that kept me going and wanting to wake up in the morning to see whats next. lately all ive heard is "all you have is yourself" and shit like "only you can take care of you" well i dont think thats true cause so many times i simply didnt want to go on and someone made me laugh or told me that whereever i was they were there for me. today was one of those days when i was in so much pain i thought my heart would explode and i reached out to someone very far away and he told me he loved me and i know that he meant it and that i was important to him. even though it sounds insecure sometimes we just need to hear it well at least i do. and i cant be ashamed anymore that i need people, i need to love, i need to share the moments in my life with the people that mean something to me. i am hurting right now and im trying so hard to not show anyone all im doing is letting it take me over and showing everyone. i have to find a way, and it has to be my way. to be honest i dont know what that way is but i guess thats the journey right??? i dont know if in ten mins ill feel completely different and want to cry hysterially and throw myself down a flight of stairs but right now i feel a little peace and it came from just focusing on the times ive shared where i was happy. i know i cant focus on the past too much but i do know i can use to past to help me shape my future. ive tried hurting and not loving myself maybe i could try the other way. maybe i could try to see what others see in me and take a shot at loving what i have to offer the world and the people i love. maybe, just maybe, one day i could love myself enough to love someone else the way i know i could if i just could fill the hole in my heart. either way, just for today i am going to do what i want, what makes me happy and no matter the consequences know that i am doing what makes me happy and that is the only right way to live and it has to start this minute....

RE: LOVE (dont read unless you want to cry or puke...)

...as i lay in bed miserable cause it just hit me that i was loved. i know i was, in my heart and soul and everywhere else that matters i was. and somewhere somehow that love that was so good and whole just went away. I was good at love, i made it important and i made the person i loved a promise and i kept it. i never strayed and i always showed it even when i wasnt given it and for all the effort and time and passion i gave it didnt matter and it still doesnt cause its gone.
what did i do that i couldnt keep it? i swear i tried. at least i know for a not-so-short while i had love in my heart it felt better than any substance ever could. i weep for anyone that hasnt had this and i weep for myself cause there is no certainty that i will ever love again. right now i dont even love myself. (which is probably an answer to many of my previous questions.) ive lost so many different loves.... friends, family, but this. this is the love i chose for myself it fit me and for a long time we fit together. i had a family, not in the traditional sense but it was my family and i feel like its been forever since ive come home and they arent there. yeah it was just a dog and a man who seem to fit me perfect and they were mine and i would have given anything for them so why is it gone? and why do i feel so empty? i cant believe im letting this out for the world to see but who really reads these things anyway?
im so scared that all the love i have in my heart will never find its rightful owner. i know its suppose to be me but thats a different kind of love and its what i wake up with and fight these demons that i have everyday, but the love in my heart that has no home is something that i know shines so bright and gives endlessly. it comforts and heels and i know there is nothing like it. it hurts me that i have it to give but no one to give it to. i know so many that dont have any love to give or have given it to the wrong people so much its died within them. but mine hasnt. i will never stop showing the people that love me i love them but this love i have that will be reserved for one special person deserves a home only for it....

EPIPHANY (Usually happens with breakups, well heres mine)

....so ive had one. Like a real one. First im going to start off by saying i have made some poor decisions these past few days. possibly ruined some relationships, definitely caused some bodily harm, said some things i meant or didnt mean but felt good saying it anyway, you know the basic break up stuff. BUT the epiphany is that i think i do all these things because i want to be heard....NO not heard i want to be listened to and felt like what im saying is important to the one listening. The problem is I feel lonely so much of the time i dont want to say things cause i dont think anyone wants to hear what i have to say i guess i could have simply said i feel like no ones listening and if they are, i shouldnt be saying anything cause im burdening them with my bullshit...i either feel like people listen cause they dont want to be mean or i feel people think i have an agenda and cant take what im saying as the truth cause im being frank, just some way to get what i want by being blunt or i find myself holding back cause im scared of the reaction of the truth or my opinion, or perception its seems impossible for most people to not be synical and for me not to be scared of them being synical.
I have been attracted to or attracting these people, men i mean that are inherently selfish. some know it, some dont and for most its not their faults but selfish is as selfish does. (yeah i said it!) the way this relates to me is that i am a pleaser, I want to please, i want to make people happy, i want to be the martyr i cant say its a good thing cause i cant blame these people for my wanting to provide whatever they need when they need it and i cant blame them for taking advantage of it. who wouldnt want someone to make you feel extremely wanted. the really bad part is that most of the time im not doing things for these people because i want them to feel good, well sometimes thats the reason i love to see someone get what they deserve if they are deserving but i know that sometimes i am doing it because i know it will make them like me more, or want to spend more time with me. i dont know if thats the personality i want to show or the "real" me
(whatever that is) and im not sure i am good enough just in general. i know everyone says why does that matter....well it masters to me. im my heart i know i would take a beating to stop someone i love from not feeling a small amount of pain or worry.
the problem with this is that now its just me im single. before i knew if i was feeling like no one was listening i had someone at home that would (even if he didnt want to he was commited to paying attention to me and that made me feel safe.) i dont have anyone to please and martyr myself for anymore. and he loved me and thats gone too. even knowing he still loves me is terrible cause i want to comfort him and make him feel like like this isnt a cold hard world where people are so quick to leave you high and dry. even he already feels that way i dont want to be the one to prove him right
i guess to round this up im taking responsibility for my happiness. if im not happy its no ones fault but my own and if i have something to say i should just say it
(within reason of course i dont want to be that asshole with an unwarranted opinion to share). i know this is self help 101 stuff but what can i say i'm a slow learner


the solution for me right now is take some advice for some wonderful friends and just stop feeling guilty and sorry for everything that i cant fix. even if its something in my life. at least i think thats what they're telling me. i guess the point is that i need to break a cycle. first stop hurting myself physically and emotionally and except that the people that love me will love me whether they can get something for them in some way or the other. i have to start believing that i am worthy of real love. and eventually ill find it even it just from myself . hopefully i will learn to be in love once i love myself. hopefully ill live that long and hopefully i wont be my usual stubborn self and not take my own advice. (i'm famous for that you know) if i commit to change maybe its possible. not that i can say this from experience but ive promised myself im going to try. my life has to mean something and if i dont start making something of it now i will just waste more time and the time i have wasted is enough for a lifetime.

I AM FUCKING PATHETIC

you know what else i can do??? stop bitching and fucking get over it, this was no surprise. i cant believe im letting something like this hurt me with all the other crap i have been through i mean ive been punched square in the face like i was trying steal his wallet and i did nothing. I am going to wake up tomorrow and see what tomorrow will bring me. I'm going to pray it brings me some peace of mind and maybe a little fun, a good friend to share some laughs with. I'm not picky and I dont think i deserve anything spectacular im no where near perfect, but im loving and generous. I treat people with respect and I dont believe in holding onto emotions or lieing to make yourself look like someone your not. TO be honest i think im being self indulgent and just plain silly for writing this blog. Why would I believe that I am so self important that people will want to read what I think im contributting to this world or relationships I have. Maybe its helping me some. I do lack a certain amount of confidence so I really dont believe people want to hear what I want to say. I don't think I have anything smart enough to warrant a reaction and I generally don't want the reaction. I am going to say something....im afraid of death and all but really sometimes i dont want to wake up. No one will have to worry about me, and maybe theres a chance this pain in the pit of my stomach since i can remember will go away. I just want a little happiness. Something I can trust in. I promise I won't take it for granted. I want to trust myself. If i can't have just a little of these things how can I go on??? i dont want to be one of those people always searching and settling. I want the real thing....i want to feel complete then find someone to share that completeness with. I never thought i deserved kids like im to selfish or something but I would like to love something so completely nothing can kill it. You can't love a man like that cause then u fuck his friend cause his dicks bigger and suddenly he don't make you complete
anymore but with a child, that love grows stronger everyday and if you can have a relationship that you can share the experience of raising a human to be compassionate and smart with common sense and respect. Thats a bond that should never be broken.
What am I even talking about??? Let me get straight what I just preached about "loving myself enough to love someone else completely and enough to have kids with them that grow up to be happy and healthy" yeah i gotta go to bed im apparently dream blogging.....

Ouch...this pain is killing me

....so the pain has set in and is apparently here to stay. I am struggling! i have enough depression issues maybe relationships arent something i can be good at. I try to hard or not enough, i never when i should hold back or give my all. everytime i have given my all i ended up with more than a broken heart my soul felt crushed. its not so much the same this time cause i know its been over and this has been coming but im not prepared for all this change. im scared to death and i dont know how to even begin to control it. im so tired of crying and hurting, im done with putting my heart out there. so i wasted 10 years, just thinking that makes me sick to my stomach. i dont get men or relationships or myself for that matter so from now on its just me. Im just going to focus on me and the people that love me and show me that i am important. what else can i do???

ITS OVER!!!

Hes drunk and unmotivated and I am DONE!!! I've tried, I swear I have but he doesn't love himself and refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his own life so I must move on. I know I am not the skinniest most beautiful person in the world but I have a good heart and I try to make him feel wanted and important, but if he doesn't want to try to make something of himself then I can't fight this losing battle anymore. I don't know if this means I will be alone or what but I know that I can do bad on my own. I have worked hard to get where I am right now and I thought we were on the same page but I will not wallow in someone else's self pity. and I definitely refuse to be with a drunk. and all this is because we couldn't celebrate his birthday on the actual day. maybe if he hadn't got fired twice in a month we would have been able to have a celebration but instead I had to work to pay rent which we are still behind on. since then I have been working even more. If hes mad cause I went to a concert. the same concert I have been going to for 10 years then he can fuck off. I worked hard to get that little bit of time off while still paying bills and expenses. Hes not a man, hes a little boy looking for someone to take care of him. His own Mom is done with that job. I am moving on with my life. Whatever that means thats what I'm doing. Anything must be better than what I have right now 10 years is long enough to waste on someone who won't even help themself.